Lest Our Hearts Be Shattered

So Long, Farewell.

2011-09-26T11:45:00.000-04:00

I've been playing video games for a while. Halfway through my junior year of college, I decided to forgo playing single-player video games. They had been taking more and more of my time, and I wasn't able to hold myself to a moderate amount of playing time a week. It was a good decision that got me playing guitar more and pursing other things. I still kept the Wii. It was good for having fun while hanging out with friends, and it got a fair amount of quality use for that purpose.

After I got off the Trail I began to play again. Several weeks went by, and I came to a point I had come to in high school where the games became something unhealthy and addictive. Don't worry, it was nothing near the stories you hear about World of Warcraft addicts. The reveal of my need to stop again came when I began to get angry at myself for not being able to healthfully control my playing time. I have had the urge to sell the Wii before, but I was consistently able to rationalize that thought away by convincing myself I could control the amount I played. This time, though, my anger could not be placated by that thought because it had repeatedly proven to be a lie to cover up for an unhealthy need to play. There was nothing else for the lie to grab on to and rationalize about, especially because I didn't even have friends nearby to play with. My anger at the lie was able to be sustained and I decided to sell the Wii.

This whole process felt like two voices inside of me arguing; when I was able to distinguish that there were indeed two distinct voices and not just one, I was able to identify one as my corrupt and one as the voice of the Holy Spirit. Once these voices were named I had no doubts about my direction. Within 24 hours I had posted the Wii and the entirety of my games and extras on Ebay and sold it.

It was very liberating, and I can say I haven't missed it at all. Things have definitely been better without it. I will say, though, that I don't believe video games to be inherently evil (although the content of some would qualify them) and that they can be used with self-control as a good relaxation tool or way to bond with people, much like watching movies or getting meals with others. That said, I do think that many Christians (mostly young-ish guys) who play video games should take a serious look at their motivations and habits concerning them; just in case.

Look at where you choose to spend your free time. Do you spend many more hours playing video game or watching TV shows or reading political blogs or playing music than you do personal time with God? The number of hours spent is not alone a measure, but it can be used as a starting point to look at how you walk out the things that are really in your heart.

Transitional Phase

2011-09-08T00:46:00.000-04:00

Off the Trail. In my hometown for a while, working in restaurant(s) and looking for full-time theatrical employment. This transitional phase is weird.

I only know that job hunting is difficult, and so is adjusting to a new phase of life; I'm not a student anymore, I'm a working adult. There's a whole new set of habits to form regarding my times with God and my other pursuits, especially seeing people. When you're profession, by it's nature, is supposed to operate during most of the local population's free time (nights and weekends) your time off becomes mornings and random weekdays. Fortunately for me there's a small demographic that is both available and willing to meet with me for meals pretty often; that demographic is "pastors of Warrenton Bible Fellowship." I'm not sure if they've noticed this but if Pastor John and I plan a meal next week then I'll have met with the entire pastoral staff in the span of a few days.

The uncertainty of my future is not so much worrisome as it is grindingly frustrating. That itself comes from attempting to figure out what I'll be doing with it, and where; I know I want to go into theater but I'm not sure what kind of job I get, and I could be anywhere in the country.

I'm not entire sure what I'm learning from this. I know that at a minimum, I'm maturing. It's definitely tough to not be around people very often, except my dad at home and some co-workers. The good things are that I'm reading a lot, practicing guitar and working out. I'm looking at everything I'm doing and asking how I can glorify God in it; I'm less successful at walking this out than I want to be. It is a thought I keep returning too, and I can say thankfully that there is some good fruit coming of this.

I want to blog more, for two reasons. One, because articulating my thoughts and feelings and making them public really gets me going down healthy paths when I write about issues. Second, I have received enough feedback about this blog that I know it's something God uses through me to glorify himself, so I want to do that. Next post, I'll talk about selling my Wii (video game system, if you're wondering) on Ebay and the process I went through to decide to do so.

Off the Appalachian Trail: Journal One

2011-08-25T00:19:00.000-04:00

Day 7,908:

There are three big lessons that God used the Appalachian Trail to teach me. Once I had learned them, the Trail was no longer needed, and so I stayed home where I had planned to stop for only two days.

While each lesson is very important and dear to me now, one of them in particular was what God used to tell me it was time to leave the Trail for now. It is an articulation of who I am; while I did not change, necessarily, I was finally able to clearly talk about how I operate in this world.

On the Appalachain Trail: Journal Three

2011-06-14T16:14:00.002-04:00

I've made it home, in a way. This morning I crossed into Virginia! Now I've got three states behind me (Georgia, North Carolina, and Tennessee) and once I get through Virginia I'll be nearly halfway done. Keep in mind, though, that it'll take me about a month to get through this state; the Trail spends nearly a quarter of it's length here.

Several days ago I had a real turning point in my walk with God out here. I knew it would be tough being away from so much support and being around people who don't know me, and it really was quite tough and in many ways still is. The tough lesson that I began to learn out here, the one that began to surface as I was worn down, was accepting grace. Whenever I would do or say something that I wasn't proud of, or passed by a great oportunity to witness, I would get down on myself. I really was trying to earn good feelings, to earn love and forgiveness; I was trying to earn the sense of peace I had before.

The most I can do is just relate this lesson with words. Many of you reading this will understand the concepts I'm talking about, but the true fruit shows not in some nice verse or piece of wisdom that's phrased nicely but in how I'm now able to wake up every day and walk in God's grace for my life before I do a thing. Now I'm spending time with God in the Bible and in prayer out of a response to his free love and forgiveness, not in an attempt to earn it.

That's the big lesson recently. I am certain of more to come and some that I'm in the middle of, but that's all I will share at the moment.

Now for some good trail stories. My "trail legs" have finally come in. That's the phrase for when your legs finally get used to hiking and all of a sudden you can do much bigger miles. I realized I had gotten my trail legs one day when I had just finished climbing a 2,000 ft mountain over three miles at the end of a 16 mile day and felt great, so I decided to go another 7.5 miles to a shelter that was made from a converted barn that I really wanted to stay at. Since then, I can hike 18 miles in a day without much trouble and can break the 20 mile mark pretty regularly. As long as I get some rest time in camp (and LOTS of sleep) I hold up just fine.

One of the best stories happened just yesterday. My friend Bookworm (also a recent college grad) and I were hiking along and came upon a parking lot where some scouts were being fed soda, snacks and fruit by a guy who drove out to do that for them during their hike. As we walked through he beckoned to us and let us have whatever we were hungry to eat. He began to wrap things up and half-jokingly offered us a cantelope to carry to camp. He was half-joking because he was willing to part with it, but it weighs 8-10 lbs and no hiker in their right mind wants to carry that kind of weight for little to no calories. I, not being in my right mind, actually accepted the offer of cantelope. Camp was only 5 miles away and I'd figure it would be cool to have a cantelope for everyone at camp, especially because it was our friend Intern's last night on the Trail.

That's when the guy also mentioned that he had a watermelon. A 15 lbs watermelon. Bookworm looked and me and smiled. He carried the watermelon and I carried the cantelope. It was pretty rough on our poor legs that had already gone 17.7 miles that day. When Intern finally arrive at camp, we brought out the fruit and carved it up. The cantelope turned into slices and we cut the watermelon in half and let everyone go at it bowl-style. It was awesome.

That's all for this post. More adventures and life changing to come over the next 1,700 miles or so.

On the Appalachian Trail: Journal Two

2011-06-03T11:57:00.002-04:00

So far I've been in three states and covered just under 272 miles. I know nearly a dozen people behind me and about the same number ahead of me, all thru-hikers headed to Maine. My hiking appetite kicked in about five days ago and now I can pig out and eat just about anything... my brunch alone (ice cream and root beer) hit near the 1500 calorie mark.

Aside from reading my Bible on a regular basis, usually in the mornings, spending much time in prayer and worship has become very important too. Much of this is done while I'm hiking, but each day I need to get alone and talk with God; this need has arisen out of a complete lack of constant fellowship with other believers. I have met some lukewarm Christians and had good conversations, but not anyone who is serious about their walk with Christ. There was one guy whom I suspect walks like that, but I think he's behind me and I'm not sure where.

I have grown to appreciate my friends in Christ much more on this trip. I'm very glad there's a planned end date for that reason.

I have been able to keep my integrity out here and carry the name of Christ most places. but I've had plenty of missed opportunities and sometimes I get frustrated with myself for those. It's then that I remember grace, and I try to walk that balance of improving myself without beating myself up when I fall short. If there's one thing that's true it's the Christ covered everything so I need not worry about condemnation, and I want to live in full response to that.

There have been some rather adventurous experiences so far. I made a 1.4 mile wrong turn, encountered a bear (it cost me 45 minutes and some nerves), and have gotten quite a bit of free food and free rides (some I didn't even have to ask for! definitely Godsends). I spent 20 minutes sitting at the best view in the Great Smokies Mountains, called Charlie's Bunion. It's a rocky outcropping that gives you a 300 degree view of the surrounding mountains. The most beautiful places have been the southwest end of Thunderhead Mountain (GSMNP), which I walked through when the dew was glistening on tall grass with sporadic short trees. It really felt like a hillside in heaven. The most beautiful place was Max Patch Bald, though. You know the hills that Julie Andrews sings on at the beginning of The Sound of Music? The kind that people frolic through in commericals? Yeah, it was like that. It was as tall as a mountain, but treeless with lots of soft grass and millions of buttercups. Did I mention that it was 70 degrees with a slight breeze?

My legs feel great; it mostly the muscles and things in my feet that need to get used to the hiking. I can do 15-16 miles without much trouble, but after that things start to hurt. The good thing is that I haven't met a former thru-hiker yet who doubts my ability to get the Mount Katahdin in time... that has been highly encouraging. My feet have some more breaking in to do but not a whole lot!

The people of the South have been extremely hospitable. Hot Springs is the first true Trail town I've passed through (e.g. the Trail goes down Main Street) and I haven't walked passed a person without being audibly greeted. I'll be sorting through my maildrops from my parents, filling in the gaps, getting a shower, hanging out with other hikers for a little while then hitting the trail again tonight.

Feel free to text me with prayer requests! I've got plenty of time to pray for them on the Trail.

Hello to those people who I met along the trail who are following this! For everyone who doesn't know yet, my trailname is Pilgrim.

The Trail's been tough but God's been good and I don't think I'm allowed to quit without a clear indication from Him that it would be best. He's been providing when I need it and I've been growing a lot through the tough stuff that's come by, physically, mentally and emtionally. Thank you Lord!

As a last note to those of you who I'm sure are wondering: no, I have not met any cute single Jesus-loving female hikers under 25. In fact the only single woman I have met is a late 20's art professor from West Virginia. You may either feel dissapointment or relief now.

On the Appalachian Trail: Journal One

2011-05-21T16:39:00.003-04:00

I'm here in a hotel in hotel in Franklin, NC and I don't have much time before I should get off this computer, but I'll talk as much as I can about the 107 miles I've covered so far!

The biggest challenge for me has been to be away from any people I am close to that I can lean on, whether friends or family. God has really been teaching me how to rely on Him and only on Him; not on other people. For the first few days the only thing that kept me emotionally stable was the Word; I'm fairly normalized now to this lifestyle, but I still need to read the Bible and spend time with God twice a day or so and constantly pray to keep connecting with Him. I can't imagine what five months of this is gonna do to me.

God has sent people at the right times; I ran into a Christian couple several days ago who gave me some good advice about the trail and prayed for me. That was an extremely encouraging experience... there have been other moments of provision similar to it, but that's the only one so far that's ended with prayer!

Physically I've been adjusting well and have been able to pace myself healthily. I'm forcing myself to eat a ton and stay super-hydrated (my goal is to have to pee several times a day because I'm so hydrated... but perhaps you didn't want to know that). After this rest day I'll be doing at least 16 miles a day, which is about 8 hours of hiking (which is pretty easy to do at this point).

As far as adventure and stories go, I hitchhiked for the first time a few days ago and am getting better (I am certain my theater degree has helped me out with this). I camped on top of a mountain in the middle of a rain storm and got soaking wet, except I was in the middle of the cloud and not the actual rain (50 degrees, high winds and soaking wet mist everywhere) and I have camped on top of a mountain under clear stars having watched the sun go down over the horizon then watched it come up. I'm carrying about 35-40 pounds and am using two wooden walking sticks for support. I've climbed many a high mountain and do several mountains a day, and have met some extremely interesting (usually enjoyably interesting) people. Check my Facebook profile (facebook.com/zacharybarmstrong) for more current updates as I'll be texting updates to that number.

Thank you all for your prayers; my current requests are that I would continue to stand strong in Christ out here in a very new place and that my body would hold together and heal quickly when injured and that I would have the wisdom to deal with those things. I also want to mention friends going on adventures of their own: Chris Rowekamp is going to Cairo to work with missionaries and Timothy Meadors is going to Hungary to do the same. Pray that they would grow, be safe, and glorify God with their time there!

Pray For Me

2011-05-09T22:13:00.004-04:00

I have not been blogging much not for lack of experiences that I really should have shared with you all and thoughts that I wanted to get out there, but rather an unfortunate deferred interest in blogging caused by distraction. I've been wrapping up my college experience and planning to hike the Appalachian Trail, which motivates this post.

I will be "blogging" from the trail by mailing posts to my wonderful mother to post here (they should feed through automatically to Facebook as well). The purpose of my hike is ultimately to glorify God through walking it in faithfulness and making it through by his provision and touching as many people as possible along the way for the Kingdom of God. Through the blog I will let you peek into what's going on.

Several people have asked about addresses of the post offices and other locations I will be checking for mail. They are posted below. But...

YOU MUST READ THIS ARTICLE BEFORE YOU SEND ME PACKAGES.

The article will tell you about how to pack a package for a thru-hiker, if indeed you would like to send me a package. If you're sending a letter, no worries, it's just paper. Try to send the mail no earlier than 2 weeks before my estimated arrival times.

The article doesn't make this clear:

The address label going to a POST OFFICE should read:

Zach Armstrong

c/o General Delivery

[Town], [State] [Zip Code]

HOLD FOR AT HIKER, E.T.A. ##/## [From Chart]

The address label going to a BUSINESS should read:

Zach Armstrong

c/o [Business's Name]

[Street Address]

[Town], [State] [Zip Code]

HOLD FOR AT HIKER, E.T.A. ##/## [From Chart]

Mileage	ETA (highly changeable)	Name of Location	Address
107.5	May 22 - May 24	Three Eagles Outfitter	78 Siler RD Franklin, NC 28734
271.4	May 31 - June 4	Bluff Mountain Outfitters	PO Box 114 Hot Springs, NC 28743-9231
414.1	June 9 – June 13	Kincora Hiking Hostel	1278 Dennis Cove RD Hampton, TN 37658
627.3	June 22 - June 28	Pearisburg Post Office	206 N Main Street Pearisburg, VA 24134-9998
933	July 12 - July 16	US211/HOME (45 min from AT)	7708 Riverside Farm Road Marshall, VA 20115
1112.9	July 25 – July 28	Boiling Springs Post Office	3 E 1^st Street Boiling Springs, PA 17007-9998
1344.6	August 10 – August 12	Glenwood Post Office	958 Country RT 517 Glenwood, NJ 07417-9998
1570.8	August 24 – August 26	Chesire Post Office	214 Church ST Chesire, MA 01225-9998
1782.6	September 6 – September 8	Glencliff Post Office	1385 NH Route 25 Unit 1 Glencliff, NH 03238-9998
2029.6	September 23- September 25	Caratunk Post Office	172 Main St Caratunk, ME 04925-9998

Well, I'm leaving in two days. God has really prepared me for this emotionally; I could name instances where he really moved in my heart but I'll allow those to stay private moments between myself and those who were there to listen and/or pray for me.

As I titled the post, please pray for me. I will be relying on God very much and I want to glorify him with this trip; I want to seek his Kingdom first and be changed by it all. It has been confirmed through much prayer and speaking to others that the Trail is where I'm supposed to go... it really is a stepping out on the water moment.

I am in the midst of the most uncertain point in my life so far. I have no job lined up, no grad school to go to. I have no prospects to start a family anytime soon. My family is going through a lot. I am about to embark on a five month journey through the wilderness depending upon a God whom I have never seen.

Perhaps "uncertain" is the wrong word, because I have given up my worries about it all. I can only point to God for the peace that dwells in my heart about these things... perhaps we will call these times "reliant." Yes, I am in the midst of the most reliant point in my life so far. I trust that God is going to fill all the blanks, all the questions, all the unknowns, with Himself, however that ends up manifesting itself.

When you here what happens, you must either call me crazy (Freud and Hume will help you out there), a liar, or right. If I am crazy, pity me. If I am lying, avoid me. If I am right, follow me as I follow Christ. I can in no way promise to be perfect, but I can promise to follow the perfect.

And in two days I will be following Him from Springer Mountain to Mount Katahdin.

Stressful Idols

2011-03-10T10:12:00.003-05:00

While I never thought badly of our modern habit of calling things "idols" which are not in fact wooden statues, lately I wondered if the Bible ever used the word to describe devotion to money, comfort, or something else that can take over our focus from God. I am always made much more comfortable with a concept or practice once I am able to find it in scripture. As a side note, the Bible never actually says you must pray with your eyes closed! Not that it's wrong in any way (it does help eliminate distractions) but know that you've got options. Obviously, that's a pretty minor point.

My answer about the use of the concept of idols came in Colossians 3:5-6:

⁵ Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

Paul is specifying greed here, and greed is an especially appropriate one to call an idol. The love of money is warned against several times in Paul's writings (1 Timothy 6:10, "a root of all kinds of evil," Hebrews 13:5 also). While the others are not specifically called idols, I think the concept can be applied.

That said, I recently had a very beneficial growing experience regarding idols. I was the sound designer for a show going up on the big stage in the theater building; and the nature of the show made it very sound-heavy. Thusly, I had a lot of work to do. Given my predisposition to be very deadline-focused and care a lot about doing things correctly, I started to stress out fairly often either about about the project in particular or how busy I was in general.

I started to react to this in a good way, though I couldn't at that point articulate exactly what I was doing. Whenever I would feel stressed (as in actively worrying, tightening up, et cetera) I would stop what I was doing and pray or read scripture or something along those lines. Once I did this by deciding to attend a weekly prayer gathering sponsored by our InterVarsity chapter; I had been planning on missing it to get work done, but began to stress out, so I went. It finally boiled down when I articulated it to a friend: when I find myself worrying, it means I have taken my focus off of God and am not believing his Gospel and the truth about my life and his promises. So, whenever I stress out it is a sign to stop and get re-focused on the right things.

I was able to put this into great usage over the next few weeks. When the first night of technical rehearsal hit, there were a lot of things that went wrong on my end that involved me running up and down two flights of stairs repeatedly over an hour to fix things. Through this, even though things were going pretty badly, I never got truly stressed. Even though I was out of breath, I had a tight hold on God's perspective and promises for my life. It was a really amazing thing.

I'm hoping to keep this habit up. Now I'm choosing not to stress over planning my Appalachian Trail hike, which has much higher stakes for me than the sound designing did. I'm thanking God that he taught me that lesson and that by his grace it's sticking; it certainly has made me much more effective to do well in his Name.

I'm Sorry, but... There's Another Blog In My Life

2011-03-08T17:27:00.004-05:00

I have another blog now. Not instead of this one, but for different purposes.

As many of you know, I am (God willing) hiking the Appalachian Trail in it's entirety. There's been a recent change of plans, and instead of hiking North-South starting in late June I will be hiking South-North starting May 12th.

About a year after I got the idea to hike the trail, I decided I wanted to use this feat to raise money for a worthy cause that would help out those less fortunate them I am. To document both the fundraising experience and the hike preparation experience (as well as the hike experience, eventually) I have started a blog called 2181 Miles for Water.

As it is also serving the purpose of advertising for the charity, I won't be intentionally spiritual in that blog... but sometimes you just can't keep God out of the story.

Courage

2011-03-07T18:12:00.004-05:00

This happened nearly a year ago.

I had just heard a message on Jacob's wrestling match with God, and how God gave him a new name and a limp. His new name, Israel, means "he struggles with God." I was going through some difficult things at the time, and in a time of prayer afterward I asked God to give me a new name... whatever that means today.

A few days later, a friend and I were discussing how we deal with our relationships with women. I am by no means a Master of Communications With Females (as soon as you start to consider yourself one you crash and burn), but I find that I have some good things I can impart to my fellow men on the subject. After hearing about how I have dealt with some situations in the past, he was impressed with my ability to reason through these situations and handle myself confidently. I think my biggest advantage is that I know how to be friends with women.

"Courage. That's your new name. I'm gonna call you Courage," my friend said. My friend who hadn't been at the talk a few days before; besides, no one had heard my prayer. Except God.

I believe God is conscious of everything that happens in my life, and thus I don't believe that I should disregard things that seem like chance as meaningless. On the other hand, one shouldn't over-spiritualize things (like seeing Jesus's image in a piece of toast or having all green lights on the way to work and taking it as a sign to do something).

That said, I think God did the name thing intentionally. It doesn't indicate a paradigm shift in the direction of my life or anything on that scale, but it is something I treasure and am encouraged by.

Jars of Dan Clayltine

2011-03-02T11:35:00.001-05:00

I found this blog post on the website of Jar of Clay's frontman, Dan Haseltine. It's funny that I only now found his blog and I will definitely be exploring it more in the days to come, as well as starting to post again here! Theater commitments kept me busy until recently, but I'm free of them now.

Anywho, here are some of Dan's thoughts on the "prophetic voice" in worship. It's worth a read.

Dan Haseltine's blog- "Prophetic"

The Greatest Liar

2011-02-11T23:28:00.001-05:00

Something very poignant that a friend of mine posted a link to. It's simple but good.

The Greatest Liar You Are Ever Going To Know Is You | Make it Mad

Reign In Us

2011-01-26T00:16:00.003-05:00

I've begun to hear this song this semester. It's very good; the chorus is what I love the most. I'll be learning it on guitar soon.

Mambo Sawa

2011-01-23T15:46:00.002-05:00

I got a very good reminder yesterday.

I was beginning to stress out about the work I have in front of me; I'm the sound designer for a show that goes up at the end of February and classes have started up and I've got my first batch of homework to churn through. I spent some time with God and was quite productive, but I still felt the huge burden of "stuff that needs to get done."

I started to cook dinner, and that helped; we were having some friends over later and I had to get an early start. While the cooking and friends who eventually showed up helped, I was handed some real perspective by a small choir.

My friends and I went to see the Watoto Children's Choir. All I knew was that they were a children's choir from Africa; I was not expecting a beautiful worship service sprinkled with stories of great sorrow but greater hope through Jesus. I was crying at least half the time. I got in, they started singing about God and someone could have said "Suprise! Your family's here." It was wonderful.

These kids reminded me of two things: that I have been provided for materially. These kids have all lost one or both parents because of AIDS, other diseases, or war; now they live safe lives in the Watoto village with families and some of them get to tour the world singing about Jesus.

They also reminded me that both they and I have been rescued from something worse even than the situations they come from: death. Life without God. We have been brought into the love of the Father, through the Son. It's the most simple of truths, but I was not operating with it in mind earlier that day. I'm glad that they came to Williamsburg to remind me of that, while at the same time ministering to the rest of audience too.

Eka Kpukpro Owo

2011-01-06T11:34:00.003-05:00

After reading this article about the Scottish missionary Mary Slessor, some of my thoughts about how I want to embrace God's plan for me became clearer.

Let me know if you've had the same thoughts: as I sit through these four years of college, occasionally I will suddenly feel that it is pointless and that my life would be much more productive for the Kingdom if I moved to Tibet or Kenya or Orange County, California as a missionary. Then, after some praying, I determine once more that God is not currently calling me to do things quite that way (yet).

My time in college is not like Jesus's time in the desert or Mary Slessor's time in poverty in Scotland in that is is difficult; but it is a time of preparation. If I was not supposed to be here, God would have made that clear by now. First off, I live in one of the most developed countries in the world and thus I don't have to worry about food or shelter; I have internet access and expendable money. Second, I'm getting a college degree, which is something only 1/3 of U.S. citizens have. Thirdly, the degree I'm getting is from the second oldest College in the nation and one of the most well-connected in terms of Alumni. While I might not be solving problems and spreading Christ in person in foreign lands, I have been placed in a very rare spot with very rare opportunities. This degree is equipping me to go big for Christ in the time and place he has (very intentionally) put me.

He's got to have some plan for a Theatre major/sociology minor. The great thing about God is that he's the originator of Creativity and Power, so there's really no situation he can't turn for his Kingdom; besides, he planned for this.

Mary Slessor went to Africa, grew to love and be familiar with the people, and helped, healed, saved, and brought Jesus to many just by her powerful example. I yearn to do something similar, but often I must check my motivations. If I yearn to do these things more whatever the Father's will is for my life; if I am disappointed when his plan for me turns out to be to live in a developed country, make and give away lots of money and raise Godly children who also want to change the world, then my desire is just for my narrow definition of adventure and not God's will for my life.

Which, itself, will be the biggest adventure I could hope for if I'm putting God's glory and will first. Like C.S. Lewis said, put first things first and you get all the second things thrown in.

Treehouse Revelations

2010-12-12T22:45:00.004-05:00

I overanalyze things. My spell-checker says that's not a word but I am the boss of my spell-checker, not the other way around.

It's easy for me to get depressed at home. I didn't know why it happened for a while, and in retrospect I couldn't figure it out because I was overanalyzing it. I get apathetic, sad, angry, and I just don't care about anything. For a long time, I just dealt with it by getting things done; except for when I wasn't able to even get myself that active. Usually, I ended up drowning myself in a movie or some video games.

This past Thanksgiving break, I had avoided said feeling for most of the break and it was great. But that Saturday it hit again, and again, I was confused and cloudy minded. This time I was going to ask God about it; usually, for praying about such a problem as this I would go to my designated prayer spot on campus, but because I was at home I went to the treehouse instead. In the Gospels, Jesus often goes to a mountaintop or some separate place to pray to God and I've found that getting away from things you surround yourself with in your routines is a good thing.

I started praying to God about this very particular depression that hits me. After a few minutes and some God-directed reflection, I suddenly realized/was told: "You're lonely." It was that simple. Once I got back to the house, I called a friend who God is equipping to be able to empathize with and encourage people through any emotional problem and he did just that.

Two weeks later I was attempting to study for my finals. I got to the library and tried to read my notes, but I just started to cry and I had no idea why it was happening. I went to my secret place, prayed, then called my dad. After some prayer, he asked me about what possible stresses there were and I told him about everything that was going on with me (there was more than just finals). His simple response, with some explaining after, was "You're stressed." I wasn't able to see that with both my tendency to overanalyze and my mind being clouded by the negative feelings.

I started writing this just as a confessional, but I think there's a really good lesson to be taken from this stuff: talk to people about what's wrong, and pray about it. If I know what's wrong I don't have a problem with this (you're reading about this on my blog, aren't you?), but I've discovered that I either don't acknowledge or realize how much stress I'm under or what my feelings really are.

Our emotions can often cloud our minds enough to stop any attempts at clear, objective analysis of our situation. Let someone else into your heart and mind to open the windows, turn some fans on and get all that stink out of there.

Hezekiah's Backbone

2010-12-11T23:17:00.002-05:00

He had quite a bit of it.

The people of Judah had 13 kings over more than 150 that did not follow through. The closest anyone came was Asa, who ruled for 41 years and did everything except remove the "high places" which had originated as places God was worship but had become corrupted. To his credit, he was "fully committed to the Lord all his life" even though he did not remove the high places (1 Kings 15:14).

Hezekiah, though, completely followed through after coming from a line of corrupt kings. His own father Ahaz sacrificed one of his other sons/Hezekiah's brother (2 Kings 16:3) following the ways of nations the Lord had driven out before Israel. This family is messed up. The writer of Kings doesn't go into how Hezekiah came to be strong in the Lord to stand up to the vast amount of wrong going on in Israel, but he did. He had backbone.

Here's where the stakes get raised. Hezekiah is being king and "did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, just as his father David had done" (2 Kings 18:3). The other kings all get compared with David, except that they were not as devoted to the LORD as David was; of the kings of Juday, only Asa and Hezekiah get this honor. He trusted in God fully, and is called the best king Judah ever had ("There was no one like him among the kings of Judah, either before or after him" 2 Kings 18:5).

He was highly successful until Assyria started to retake some cities that Hezekiah had taken back from them (he had cut ties to Assyria, the local bully who liked to take over other nations). Israel is deports all the people of the nation of Israel and then turns his eyes toward Judah. What happens next it not encouraging.

Fourteen years into King Hezekiah's reign, the King of Assyria "attacked all the fortified cities of Judah and occupied them" (2 Kings 18:13).

All the fortified cities of Judah. All of them. All of the cities that were fortified, e.g. not supposed to be taken over.

That's like hearing "So-and-so country/faction attacked and took over Washington DC, Chicago, New York, Miami, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Austin, and most other major cities in the U.S. You are now completely helpless."

For the sake of not giving away the spoilers that would give away how great this story is, I want to read 2 Kings 18 and 19. Hezekiah had backbone; he didn't give up even when his nation that he had stewardship of had been conquered except for Hezekiah's actual official surrender. Check out his response and what God did.

Eden

2010-12-11T02:02:00.003-05:00

Two conversations I've had with friends recently merged in my head, and both were about Heaven.

The first was a few weeks ago with my friend Meredith. We were brewing ideas about what to do with our afternoons and our friends, and Lake Matoaka came up. Then Jamestown Beach. Then Virginia Beach. Then California. Then Australia. And there's only one place better than Australia.

As the climax to this frenzy of outlandish suggestions about where to take our friends on a Sunday afternoon, Meredith suggested that we go to Heaven. This got me thinking quite seriously all of a sudden: what if we went to Heaven just for a few minutes and came back? I was focused less on the metaphysical implications of the event itself and more on the effect on our daily lives from then on out.

Heaven is something we trust that is true, but we do not know it experientially. We have seen echoes and reminders throughout nature and glimpses in worship, but these have all been merely glorious suggestions of the real thing. If all of a sudden we had that fulfilled knowledge, assuming we would be able to function after seeing our true home and experiencing true fulfillment and then leaving it, wouldn't we live with that as our frame of reference? It would such a strong impression that we would never stop living for it; it would never be out of our minds.

I don't think that the situation just described would be the perfect one, because through our broken journeys God teaches us and draws us to himself and improves us; experiencing the end result would be to cut out the journey of growth. But it is a really intriguing thought experiment to consider, because I do want to live with eternity in mind.

Another friend, later, mentioned the song Eden by Phil Wickham. She said that in a strange way it made her sad; not necessarily depressed, but sad that she was not yet in the state of bliss with God that the song speaks about, that she has to face each earthly day with its troubles. I told her not to see it primarily as something she doesn't have, but something that she will have, that has been promised to her, something she can live for. It is a sobering thought, but I believe it is also one that can remind us who we are, where we're going, and why we're here.

Winter Snow

2010-11-30T23:19:00.004-05:00

Winter is my favorite season. I have always wanted someone to use winter in a positive way in a song, instead of using it as a symbol of negative times (though I understand the association).

Then I found Audrey Assad, who on her first CD has songs about two of my three favorite things aside from my Saviour... one of them being snow. When you combine snow, the Lord, and musical and lyrical talent this it what you get:

A Long Journey

2010-11-24T17:33:00.003-05:00

C.S. Lewis's dedication in at the beginning of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (spacing of phrases for effect by me):

My dear Lucy,

I wrote this story for you, but when I began it I had not realized that girls grow quicker than books. As a result you are already too old for fairy tales, and by the time it is printed and bound you will be older still.

But some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.

You can then take it down from some upper shelf, dust it, and tell me what you think of it. I shall probably be too deaf to hear, and too old to understand a word you say, but I shall still be

your affectionate Godfather,

C.S. Lewis

I have always loved fantastical adventure stories. The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, His Dark Materials, and The Dark is Rising are all book-spanning epics that I've enjoyed and re-enjoyed at some point in my life (I'm reading Narnia again this week). One of the things I love about these books is how the stories and characters develop over time and through experiences, and when you reach the end everything is packed with meaning obtained from what has happened.

What I want to talk about though, is the sense of adventure. There is something large at stake in all these stories. There are struggles, fights, deaths, adventures, victories, injuries, healings, prophecies, promises, friendships, and all sorts of very significant and thusly emotional happenings. I get caught up in the drama and significance of it all.

Something that I feel most people share with me when it comes to enjoy works of epic fantasy is the worlds they happen in are not "ordinary" like our own. There's a sense of freedom from the constraints of our particular society that we often believe limit the possibilities of adventure.

There was some point in the last two years where I had a subtle revelation that has developed more and more clearly since. As I got serious about my walk with God, life began to get much more meaningful. There was much more significance to each of my actions and words than there had been before, and as I realized this I thought of my favorite stories. Everyone in them lives in a world that is not ours, or is at least drawn into others that are not. The assumption of a lack of significance is one that I made for a long time; while I still very much enjoy the stories I do not look down on my own journey and fight that I am living out. Christ has made sure that my life is anything but insignificant, and I would do well to remember this on a regular basis.

I am a son of the Most High God, who created this world. I am a co-heir with his Son, Jesus Christ.

That same Jesus Christ gave his life for me, in a way that was less like throwing himself in front of a bus and more like standing in front of firing squad that I very much deserved.

I am more than a conqueror through Christ. Not in the sense that Alexander or Napolean was, but in terms of fighting for the Kingdom of God. Since I am more than Alexander or Napolean, if I heed the call of God in my life I will have a significant eternal effect on the state of things; Alexander and Napolean only had temporal ones.

I am literally fighting "against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12).

Every true Christian is in the same situation. If we are to take the Word of God seriously, then we must consider the true significance of who we are. We must take into account the weight and importance of what we do. Somewhere in the Lone Islands, or in Lyra's Oxford, or in the Shire, the fairy tales are not of magic and talking animals...

They are about a boy passive about his holy inheritance until he was awakened by the Spirit of the King, and his Brothers and Sisters fought and grew alongside him as he learned about his King. They are about a boy who falls seven times and seeks to get up seven times, a boy who seeks to wield the Sword of the Spirit with ever great skill, a boy who hates nothing more than the suffering of others. They are about a boy who fights against enemies who attack his family, his friends, and himself.

The stories are about a boy who does not always remember who he is, even though he was told to do so from a young age. They are about a boy who through his own weakness is shown the awesome power of his Father.

Much of the story before the end is still unwritten, but the end is known even by the boy. That gives him hope for the future, because he knows that however dark things get, however fierce and fatal the battle, however alone he feels, his King Most High has won and is bringing him home.

If you see this boy forgetting who he is, remind him. He will appreciate it.

Humility is not Fun

2010-11-20T22:29:00.002-05:00

This semester I've been praying for Jesus to humble me. He has and is continuing to do so.

Earlier this semester God opened my eyes to some things I had given up on, some areas in my life I had become complacent. He showed me that I'm still depraved. I've responded to that by rising up again against my "Philistines" that I have to keep fighting over and over again.

The roughest lesson, though, has been in the past several days. I've been sick for four days now, and it has made me quite cranky and short-tempered. If you couldn't tell, it's because you couldn't hear what was going on in my head and missed the times I actually got miffed.

Being sick has also been an obstacle to my "running the race," to use the 1 Corinthians 9 metaphor. I've let myself become apathetic and distracted by my sickness, using rest (which you need when you're sick, don't get me wrong) as an excuse not to run after God. The result is that not only am I physically uncomfortable, I'm also spiritually lacking. And boy, do I feel it.

This sickness has also provided a great reality check. I've been leading small groups of friends in worship sessions, singing and playing my guitar. We had one of these sessions planned recently, and I talked to my friend Chris about a change in plans because I was sick. His response was frank and very true: "Don't cancel it. It's great to have you singing to lead worship, but ultimately it's about God and not you." He phrased it gently, but I reacted negatively to the truth that was in what he said. That's when I realized that worship leading had already started to go to my head. I foresee more humility in my future.

I've learned that if you ask God to humble you, he's not just going to magically put a feeling in your heart. With me at least, he has put me in situations where my human nature and rough edges are set very clearly before me. I can either let this discourage me more or pray for strength and fight against my flesh. One of the reasons I like having this blog is because now I'm accountable to each of my readers to do the right thing. Humility is not fun, but it's good.

To be honest, I'm still in this slump I've mentioned. I'm exhausted, but before I went to bed I wanted to see about jump-starting my comeback by confessing this to anyone with an internet connection. Perhaps "jump-starting" isn't the right phrase... I think writing about this situation honestly is a sign that I want to make the right choice. By this point, I've seen the blessing of obedience consistently enough that I know walking in obedience and swallowing my pride is not only the right thing to do, but it feels much better than wallowing in self-pity and letting my wounded pride fester.

Keeps My Heart Intact

2010-11-14T23:35:00.003-05:00

Before I do Milk and Meat [Part Two], I want to share my heart a bit with anyone who's reading.

I have shied away from writing about my personal experiences a bit in the past year or so, due to the fact that there are people in my life and God often uses them to teach me things. Most times, I refrain from writing about something that would better be left unpublicized.

I've neglected, though, to write about the things that God's doing in my life that can go public; and, for the purposes of this blog (e.g. to glorify God) they should!

Soon, I'll be posting about the small group I'm assistant-leading and my relationships with the guys there; I'll write about the Ecumenical Retreat I had the honor of planning with many others, and how amazing the implementation of it really was; how God has blessed me with great personal growth through my relationship with my dad; my journey as a songwriter who wants to be humble, go big for the Kingdom, and write lyrics from God; my witnessing experiences, which I am hope in increase in number and magnitude; my lessons learned as I approach my post-undergrad future, whatever it holds; lessons and blessing received from being a Compassion International sponsor for a tall Indian kid name Mumoorthi Mani; and the ways my mind is blown as I read the scriptures and the works of Lewis, Bonhoeffer, Piper, and Alcorn among many others.

The point is: there's quite a lot going on with me, in really good ways because I have a really good God. I want to share this more readily. I'll definitely continue to post my thoughts on scripture, but be on the lookout for more about my walk with my Saviour who really keeps my heart intact... which is a big job to take on.

Milk and Meat [Part One]

2010-10-26T00:41:00.004-04:00

I've heard the terms "milk" and "meat" quite a bit recently in conversations about Christianity, describing, generally, things that are simple and easy to digest about Christianity and things that are tougher. While I didn't disagree with the way they were used, I decided to search out and know the Biblical references in the New Testament to find out how Paul used them. I'll go through the whole chapter because the chapter ends when Paul reference Apollos and himself and boasting about men again, bringing that discussion to a close. Let's dive in, shall we?

First Corinthians Three:

¹Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. ²I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. ³You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? ⁴For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?

The first reason Paul says they are still worldly is that they are jealous and quarreling amongst themselves; that's pretty straightforward, as we can all agree those two things are not at all good. It's the next thing, though, that stands out a little more:

They claim to follow "mere men," not God. They say they follow different earthly teachers. The men listed are good men of God, yes, but Paul and Apollos are "only servants, through whom you came to believe- as the Lord has assigned each to his task." Paul continues the discussion of his and Apollos's role in the context of being God's workers.

The next shift in topic comes in verse ten:

¹¹For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. ¹²If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, ¹³his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. ¹⁴If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. ¹⁵If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.

No one can do the work Jesus did, says Paul to the Corinthians. Simple enough, but is bears reminding. Paul tells them that what they do in this world will be brought to light and shown for what it is, and if it survives the fire, they will receive their reward. If not, the believer shall still be saved, but without the reward received by the others.

This may not have blown the minds of the Corinthians, or it may have. It blows mine. We have many assumptions about heaven that aren't Biblically based... including that we'll all be equal. Do not get me wrong here: no one will be unhappy in heaven, where no light is needed because God's glory will keep it lit forever; but there will be difference in "reward" and "treasure in heaven" because of what was done on Earth.

Beyond expounding upon the nature of heaven, this is encouragement to be diligent in the work of God; of investing your resources in the Kingdom, of sharing the Word with those who need it, and of serving the church and working in the Body.

More to come. In the next post, I will talk about the rest of 1st Corinthians 3 and what else Paul is telling the Corithians about milk and meat. There is also a mention of "spiritual milk" in Hebrews 5 that I will talk about then, too. This post has gone a bit long.

Gentleness and Truth

2010-10-26T00:38:00.001-04:00

When I talk to people about Jesus, I have done very well in being gentle and kind as we are commanded to be in several of Paul's lists: Galatians 5:22, Philipians 4:5, Colosians 3:12... the list of lists is long.

On the other hand, I have been aware for some time that the message of the Word in its wholeness is often offensive to people. It tells them that they are sinful, that God hates sin, and that they should humble themselves to admit that they are not at all the good people they imagine themselves to be and let God guide their steps.

Humility AND submission? That sucks.

Most people who only follow half the words (if any) of their respective holy books or whom live by a code of what's socially acceptable will tell you that they are "good people" because they don't kill anyone, say hateful things to people on a regular basis, and they recycle plastic bottles. Sometimes. A new standard that throws their hopes and dreams of creating their own goodness is much too large a pill to swallow, quite often.

These thoughts met, joined hands, and boiled down to the level of clarity when I heard a sermon in my hometown several Sundays ago. The pastor talked about Saul/Paul's early ministry, and one of the things he talked about was how Paul was ran out of several towns by people who wanted to kill him (Acts 9:9-25, 28-30). It should be noted that Paul "debated the Grecian Jews" in Jerusalem and "baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Christ." He was "speaking boldly in the name of the Lord."

While I don't believe that if you're not receiving death threats you're not doing it right (Acts 9:31), there is something to be said for his boldness with the Word. We're called to take the Word to people, and it can be harsh; granted, it is all ultimately in a context of God's love for us, but that's not often the part that first stands out to people when you share the entirety of the Gospel.

All this to say:

By all means, be gentle and respectful. And by all means, present the full Gospel without omitting the tough stuff. And please, be bold. Those of us who don't preach hate or cheap grace can certainly increase it that area.

The sermon I referenced was preached by Pastor John Kuvakas at Warrenton Bible Fellowship on October 10th, 2010, and can be found here.

Almost Worse Than Midterms

2010-10-01T11:32:00.007-04:00

I write about waiting quite a bit, how beneficial it is.

What I want to guard against is the illusion that I'm able to walk these things out perfectly everyday and I that I never doubt or have trouble believing that good things are coming. Struggling with belief and faith are often the largest trials we go through during the times of waiting, and thus there's a very good reason that trials are called tests of our faith (James 1:3). I was lying awake last night worrying that waiting on God for certain things would take too long and that I should take things into my own hands; he reminded me about that my decision to wait was based on letting him be the one in control so that I wasn't letting my limited human judgement screw things up. When I'm crying out to God, it's often asking him why and telling him that I'm hurting a lot. He knows that already, though. It's after those times that he gives me deep peace, which I only lose when I'm focused on how impossible and illogical everything looks from my eyes, through my thoughts, in my ways...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the LORD. "
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will not let the righteous fall.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Years of Waiting

2010-10-01T00:35:00.000-04:00

Do you think you've been waiting a long time?

Abram was promised was promised a son at 86 years old, and had Isaac at 99. That's 13 years of waiting on God's promise. [Genesis 15-17] Then, God asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac and he says yes.

Then, in Genesis 22:12:

"Do not lay a hand on the boy!" he [the Angel of the Lord] said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

After waiting for a son for decades, then waiting 13 years for a promise to be fulfilled, Isaac is the fulfillment of what Abraham has wanted for a century. Then God asks him to demonstrate how much he loves him by giving him up.

Jacob worked for 14 years for Laban just to marry the woman he wanted to marry, because he had been tricked into marrying her sister as well. He had run away from his brother, who wanted to kill him because Jacob had tricked him into giving him his birthright, and had tricked his father into blessing him instead. He stayed with Laban for 20 years before going back to his brother Esau.

When they met again, after 20 years, having left after theft, deception, and anger:

But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept. [Genesis 33:4]

Jacob, over this time, had twelve sons. His favorite, born of the wife he loved, was Joseph. One day, Joseph died... or so he thought.

Jacob spent 21 years believing Joseph was dead. That's as long as I've been alive. Then, came good news; the son who was long dead to Jacob was alive! What's more than that, Joseph brought them to Egypt, the most prosperous land anywhere at that time, and they lived in comfort and completeness. TWENTY-ONE YEARS.

And then we have Joseph's side of those 21 years. Thirteen of them were spent either as a servant or in prison. He was deceitfully accused by Potiphar's wife, was put in prison, and later forgotten about for two years. There were 13 years, from age 17 to 30, where God was slowly but sure preparing him for huge things... thing that he had promised Joseph at age 17! Then it was another 8 years before he saw his family again. He waited 21 years for the promises to come to fulfillment!

David had a very similar thing happen. He was anointed king, the forgotten and youngest son out of many. He was anointed king at 30 [2 Samuel 5:3-4]. Even if he was 20 when he was the youngest son sent out to be a shepherd, that was 10 years of waiting and being exiled from the very kingdom he was supposed to rule by the father of his closest friend.

Those are just a few example from the Old Testament. I say this to challenge you to put things in perspective. This past summer was a very rough one for me, but God taught me very much; one of the blessing that it was a three-month season of tough trials that I got to see the blessing of (in growth and maturity) very soon afterward; it reassured me that God is using the much longer-term trials too.

Thus, I want to encourage you to stay faithful by holding on and not jumping the gun or giving up hope. The Greek word for enduring has a literal translation meaning "holding tightly." And some translations use "longsuffering" instead of "perseverance;" I prefer the first one. It's much more accurate.

I realize this post isn't as happy as some others have been, but I want to say that there is a promise of happiness to come even if much suffering is happening now.

Psalm 27:13-14:

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

I Wish We Knew His Name

2010-09-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

Genesis 24 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.

There's Abraham's unnamed head servant who goes praying to Aram Naharaim to find a wife for Isaac. He's praying to God "in his heart" when Rebekah comes out (v15, 45) and he discovers that she's the right woman. As soon as he learns this, he bowed down on the ground a praised God right where he was, so happy was he that God had provided for his master (v26). The servant's love and devotion to both God and Abraham and very evident and really exciting to read about.

Then there's the scene where Rebekah and Isaac meet (v62-67). Isaac is spending time with God, having his devotions in a field. Then he looks up and sees a caravan... and at the same time Rebekah looks up and they see each other. I have no doubt Isaac had been informed that he would have a wife soon, and Rebekah knew the entire time as well. "So she became his wife, and he loved her" (v67). This whole situation makes the whole arranged marriage thing pretty attractive, especially because God was putting the choice in God's hands (v7).

One more thing: Isaac was 40 when he married Rebekah. Single dudes (myself included), chill out. The time will come. Until then (and always, really) serve with prayer and dedication like Abraham's servant!

Don't Lose the Good You Oft Might Win

2010-09-13T23:46:00.000-04:00

Our doubts are traitors, making us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.

-Measure for Measure, Act I Scene iv

Ever since the Train Lady told me to "write that song," I've been taking steps forward to take my musical inclinations more seriously. Last spring, I got the song "Draw Near" written. This Fall, I got it and another song I wrote recorded and posted on Facebook for people to listen too, under the stage name Doubts Are Traitors.

The name comes from my favorite line of Shakespeare, and reminds me of 2 Timothy 1:7:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love and of self-discipline.

I've often erred on the side of timidity; while all boldness should be couched in love and gentleness, boldness is still boldness nonetheless!

It has been a great blessing to see the fruits of my labor that God has brought about, and the way the songs have already spoken to people. While I'm very happy that this has come together, I've got to remember that it's God who let me write these songs and it's for joy in him and testimony that I write them. I hope to pour all that God's given me into writing songs for Him!

The Titus Blessing

2010-09-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever.

2 Corinthians 7:6-7

Reading through second Corinthians, you'll see that Titus gets mentioned quite a bit. Paul's refreshed by his very presence, and his news too; Titus had been comforted in Corinth and he passes that on to Paul. It's a big deal for Paul because he hasn't been having a very pleasant time, thus the self-referencing with the word "downcast" in verse six.

What I want to point out to you with this passage and the reference to Titus in second Corinthians in general is that we have such power to refresh our brothers and sisters in the Spirit. Serving them to help them out or even just contacting them to see how they're doing (which we have a multitude of ways to do) can be a very encouraging thing to a downcast Christian, even if they're just carrying their usual burdens.

Always be looking for opportunities to serve!

Reasons of Practicality

2010-08-04T13:01:00.001-04:00

After having some conversations at work about dating, abstinence, and relationships sparked by the ring that I wear, I got to thinking. When I talk about these things, is my present the case that being sexually conservative will make for a longer-lasting and more meaningful marriage? Perhaps it's just to stay away from STDs. Actually, I might just be so afraid of intimacy that I'm putting it off as long as I can.

In all these conversations I've got to remember my main point: Jesus and salvation. I shouldn't argue for abstinence for it's own sake; if I don't have Jesus, I'm spiritually dead whether or not I'm abstinent. Without Jesus, who is our righteousness, each attempt at obeying the rules and doing things right is a futile grasp at godliness. Thusly, whenever I'm asked why I do something differently than the rest of the world does it, reasons of practicality are secondary to glorifying God.

It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God- that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

1 Corinthians 1:30

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.

John 3:5-6

Bold Obedience

2010-07-26T00:43:00.000-04:00

If it worked, I would tell every Christian looking to get closer to God to "just do it;" to get in the Word, pray, and worship every day. I know, however, how useless that is to tell most people because it only ends up frustrating them that they're not doing those things and it starts to put a focus on the works and not the faith.

Today, I thought of a great thing to encourage people to do that's simple: whenever your pastor gives you a challenge (some will call it "homework") to do that week, do it. If they're a true child of God, it'll be something good that will actually benefit you to do. The thought to encourage people to do this came to me today after the service I attended: the man preaching (he was a guest speaker) encouraged us to memorize Psalm 23 that week, because it has only 6 verses (one per day starting Monday). My first thought was "I already memorize scripture, so I don't have to do that." Then I was immediately corrected by the Holy Spirit and reminded that the preacher didn't leave any excuses for us not to do it, no matter what habits we've developed (and perhaps let pride creep into).

Thus, my exhortation: do what your pastor challenges you to do. I have never made a habit of it up to this point, but when I think about it... why haven't I? There's no good reason not to! If a man or woman of God exhorts you to do something (and it probably won't be too complicated) then it's sure to be completely worth your while. I'll be memorizing Psalm 23 this week. Not that these works in themselves bring us closer to God, but He (because of his power and goodness) commands us to be obedient and rewards it.

Be bold and step out in obedience!

Godly Sorrow

2010-07-23T00:27:00.003-04:00

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

-2 Corinthians 7:10

Paul has been writing to the Corinthians about a previous letter he had sent them that grieved them. It was a corrective letter, and when the Corinthians read it they were sad for the things they had been doing wrong (v8-9). Paul says that he doesn't regret sending the letter even though it grieved them, because of verse ten (although he says he did not enjoy it).

The benefits of the Corinthians' sorrow are outlined in verse 11:

See what this Godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.

Godly sorrow is healthy; in this context, the sorrow is sorrow from correction, so I won't overextend this into sorrow in other kinds of sorrow. Accepting correction humbly is a sign of wisdom found other places in the Bible as well (Proverbs 12:1 and 13:18 for starters).

If you're facing correction, don't waste time with shame (Romans 8:1-2). We learn some of our best lessons from our mistakes. While we shouldn't go out to make mistakes just to learn from them (that would be taking advantage of grace), we also can't change the past. We can learn from it, but that's one of the few useful things we can do with it. This Godly sorrow that comes from correction will grow a deeper maturity when we let it.

If you seem to learn the same lesson over and over again and are frustrated that your flesh drags you back to the same thing again and again (for me, a repeated one has been wasting large amounts of time on video games), just remember that Romans 8:1-2 is always true, no matter how many times in a row you have fallen, no matter if it was just in the last ten minutes, or if you relapsed after ten months of freedom from this sin...

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Don't Wait

2010-07-12T12:36:00.003-04:00

If Christians were persecuted in America (I'm talking large-scale), churches would be smaller, fewer, and much more cohesive and active. My evidence behind this is the early church as described in the New Testament and churches today that are facing persecution in countries around the world. I'm not here to say whether you will face true religious persecution in your future; I have no idea.

Here's my point: How would your faith change under persecution? You would either have to leave it completely behind or hold onto Jesus really tightly. You'd be praying and reading your Bible everyday, grabbing every chance you can get to pray and fellowship with other Christians, and you'd constantly be on the lookout to share your faith to the right people at the right time.

Do you want to have to make those adjustments if persecution happens?

³²"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. ³³Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. ³⁴It's like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.
³⁵"Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. ³⁶If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. ³⁷What I say to you, I say to everyone: 'Watch!' "

-Mark 13:32-37

I'm living the next five minutes
Like these are my last five minutes
Cause I know the next five minutes
May be all I have
And after the next five minutes
Turn into the last five minutes
I'm taking the next five minutes
And start it all over again

-Next 5 Minutes by Steven Curtis Chapman

Why Are You Downcast, O My Soul?

2010-06-23T01:17:00.000-04:00

What are you worried about? What's bringing you grief?

List these things on a piece of paper. I'm not kidding.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met here on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

If you've read past the this first half of the Gettysburg Address without writing a list, do it now!

If you put your arms around me, could it change the way I feel? I guess I let myself believe that the outside might just bleed its way in; maybe stir the sleeping past, lying under glass, waiting for the kiss that breaks this awful spell. Pull me out... of this lonely cell.

If you haven't done it by now, after the first verse to Jars of Clay's Something Beautiful, there's not much I can do to convince you.

At the top of this list, write "Situations that God will bring victory through." Worry not, I did this myself a few minutes ago. And I have some of the same feelings you probably have; I want to let my negative feelings about these situations have priority in how I think about them. But there's a better way.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
James 1:2-6
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11

Yes, these situations are tough and they hurt. We need to acknowledge that, talk to people about them, get help. Don't pretend the hurt isn't there.

The way we change our thinking about these situation and begin to focus on God and how he is doing great and positive things through them is by praying and talking to other Christians. Pray for wisdom to endure the trials, and know that God will give it to you. Pray that God will bring about a change in your attitude, that his peace will guard your heart. Talk to seasoned Christians about what you're going through, and they'll offer words of encouragement for you to dwell on.

I'm not just saying these things... this is very much what I'm learning right now. If you want to, get in touch with me and we can talk.

It's tough, no doubt; but it's an honor, and it brings glory to God's name to consider all these trials pure joy. He'll bring relief, in time. Read the Psalms... forty-two is a good place to start.

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Common Ground

2010-06-19T09:14:00.002-04:00

²²Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. ²³For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you.
²⁴"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. ²⁵And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. ²⁶From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. ²⁷God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. ²⁸'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'
²⁹"Therefore since we are God's offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by man's design and skill. ³⁰In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. ³¹For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to all men by raising him from the dead."

Like Jesus did with the Samaritan woman at the well and with Nicodemus, Paul meets the Athenians where they are. He has a great way to start the speech, too: the altar labeled “To an unknown god,” and even quotes poetry that the Athenians are familiar with to help his point. He tells them that there is one true God (not their multiple gods) who does not live in human temples (like theirs) and is not made of gold or silver or stone (like the idols they worship). He also includes several, more universal points: God is the Creator, has determined all our steps, and is bringing a day of judgment. My favorite point, however, is this in verse 27: “God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far away from each one of us.”

Not that this speech is a template to use like a witnessing mad-lib, but we can take away some good practical points about talking to people about Jesus. Speak the language of the people, know their context; if you don’t know anything about who they are, you don’t know where they are spiritually. Relate to them.

Don’t take this too far and use it as an excuse not to witness, because it’s a lot easier than it sounds. Jesus and the woman were at a well and in Samaria, so he talked about water and the now arbitrary nature of being a Jew or a Samaritan. Nicodemus was a Pharisee, so Jesus talked about Jewish theology. The Athenians were highly intellectual, so Paul talked about their religion and quoted their poets. There’s common ground everywhere, whether it’s place, experience, or just our humanity. Find that common ground and plant some seeds in it.

The Jailer

2010-06-18T16:18:00.000-04:00

In Acts 16, Paul and Silas are thrown in prison in Phillipi. After they are beaten they’re thrown in prison, and around midnight an earthquake sent from God that opened the prison doors and loosed the chains from around their hand and feet. The jailer was woken up by this noise, and saw the prison doors opened; naturally, he assumed that Paul and Silas had escaped. The penalty for allowing a prisoner to escape on your watch was death (according to my NIV footnotes). The jailer was so distressed by this that he drew his sword to commit suicide… when jailers earlier in Acts were given the slip by Paul, they waited around to be executed. This guy (who has a family, we find out) was going to end it then and there. The funny thing, though, is that Paul and Silas didn’t leave when the chains came off but instead stayed and spared this man’s life.

The jailer knew they were Christians, because that’s why they were thrown in prison; besides that, they had been singing songs of praise the whole night. Seeing the connection between their faith and the act of love they had just shown him (and realizing more readily his own mortality, I’m sure) he throws himself at their feet and asks “What must I do to be saved?” “Believe in the Lord Jesus,” they reply. The Jailer takes them to his house in the middle of the night, feeds them, and his entire family is saved and baptized. Then, Paul and Silas go back to the prison so that they are there in the morning and the guard’s life is spared.

After being beaten and thrown in prison, the Paul and Silas are still so focused on Christ that their first action when their path to freedom is open is not “Let’s get out of here,” but “Let’s witness to the jailer.” This imprisonment was all about the Jailer and his family, because it turns out that Paul and Silas were being wrongfully held anyways because there were Roman citizens, and thus should not have been beaten and should have been given a trial.

Physical freedom is in no way important to the Christian. When it is needed, it will be provided (Acts 12). When they were captured, thrown in jail, and then the doors were miraculously opened, it was all about the Jailer’s freedom from sin and becoming a Child of God, along with his family. All this to say: take advantage of negative situations. Face them with praise and a great attitude, pointing to Jesus in word and deed, because it will affect someone for Christ; I guarantee it. We might not get to see the effects immediately (or in this life… but what a blessing when we do!), but regardless, it not only affects others when we do but fulfills our purpose in life and brings us a deep joy and peace.

So get out there, sing some chains off, praise some doors open, and then talk to the first surprised person you see about Jesus.

Next to God Himself

2010-05-28T11:17:00.000-04:00

³⁹One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!"
⁴⁰But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong."
⁴²Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."
⁴³Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

Has anyone ever heard anything happier? Think about where this guys is coming from. He's a criminal, one poor enough and disliked enough to get death by crucifixion; and he knows it. We don't know about this guy's life before he was put on a cross, except that he was recently a criminal. Regardless, he's not happy with how life is going.

Then, as he's being killed for his crime, while the blood is leaving his body and the pain is increasing rapidly, he meets Jesus. For whatever reason, he believes that Jesus is who he said he is; whether this decision was made a while ago or just before he spoke is unknown, but he expresses it now in rebuking the harsh words of the other criminal being crucified.

While they are both dying, the man on the cross asks Jesus "...remember me when you come into your kingdom." Jesus responds with "Today you will be with me in paradise."

"Today" is pretty soon. Most Christians, nowadays, have no idea when they're going to die and go to heaven. This guy is told that very, very soon, he's going to be with Jesus, in Paradise. And all this right at the end of a very bad time in his life, that ends it! He's a criminal who was sentenced to death, and this is what he finds. He finds Jesus, faith, and a promise that very very soon there will be no more pain, no more frustration, and that he'll be with Jesus forever.

I love to imagine what it's like for God to plan out our lives. When he creating the world, he knew that this man would be a believer, and that they way to make it happen was to have him end up on the cross next to God himself. The way to get to his heart was to put him on a cross next to Jesus. God' got just as powerful a story for you... just love him and walk in obedience to him, and he'll begin to unfold his awesome plan for your life.

The Faith Grind

2010-05-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

Waiting on God and don't know what to do? Does it suck? Do you just want to take the easy way out, if there is one? And if there's not, do you wish there was?

Well, have I got some advice for you! (but not an easy way out)

1. Pray. Duh. Pray that God would teach you what you need to be taught, and change in you what needs to be changed. Pray for #3 on this list. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 sums it up very simply when it says "Pray continually." I feel that I should also mention Psalm 66:18- "If I had cherished sin in my heart, the LORD would not have listened." Look at your life, the things you do, and see what you feel convicted about to cut out of your life; or anything that just plainly contradicts the Bible.

2. Read your bible, and do #1 before you read. Hebrews 4:12- "The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any two-edged sword, it penetrates even soul and spirit [as in, emotions and your true eternal self], bone and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." You will find stories you connect with and advice that applies directly to you.

3. Talk to a trusted Christian friend about it, on a regular basis. Pray that God will send you someone who's going through something similar, or has gone through it in the past; this will help immensely. Proverbs 27:17- "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

This list isn't exclusive; there are many other good things you can do. These are just the top three that have helped me out (although I would argue 1 & 2 should be on everyone's list. And probably 3). It's important to remember as well that God's a person, a being, not an equation or a checklist; these are just healthy things to do to get your relationship with him going and get your heart and attitude back on track.

To the Very End

2010-05-19T23:14:00.001-04:00

...surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
-Jesus, in Matthew 28:20

Jesus doesn't waste words. If he only had to say "surely I am with you always," he would have. For some reason, he chose to add "to the very end of the age."

Jesus always includes our imperfection in his plan for us. He knew that in times of trial we would start to doubt him in our hearts; he had even seen it many times with the disciples. This is such a universal tendency (yes, you're not the only one) that a second assurance was necessary; he's with us no matter what, right up to the moment of the rapture.

It's not about whether we feel like he's with us or not; he always is. Do you think David "felt" like God was with him when he was hiding in the field waiting for Jonathan to tell him whether he had to leave for good or not? But God was still there, the whole time.

Remember that fact and act on it. Don't give in to the despair of your circumstances.

That's all.

Fur, Voices, and Waves

2010-04-30T00:50:00.000-04:00

I heard a very useful message preached last week, about hearing the voice of God. I won't go into all the points that were made, but I want to relate something from Genesis 27 that was said.

In Genesis 27, Isaac is ready to bless Esau because he's nearing the end of his life. Isaac tells him to go and hunt some meat, prepare it, bring it to him, and then he will bless him. Jacob and his mother hatch a plan to get the blessing instead; because Esau was hairy and Jacob soft-skinned, they put animal furs on Jacob's arms to deceive Isaac in case he got suspicious.

When Jacob entered the room where Isaac was, he greeted him. Isaac replies "Yes, my son- who is it?" Right off of the bat, Isaac in unsure who the voice belongs to. After a question about how quickly he hunted and prepared the meat, Isaac asks to feel his arms to confirm it's Esau... even after Jacob already claimed to be Esau once. Then Isaac gives him the blessing.

The next thing Isaac does? He asks again, "Are you really my son Esau?"

When the true Esau came in, Isaac only had to ask who he was once. You think your family has awkward moments?

The point about hearing God's voice in our lives is this: if the action feels right but the voice telling you to do it doesn't sound like God at all (read: telling you to do something unbiblical, sin, or using condemnation to motivate you), it's not God. If you're unsure, go to someone you know has a strong walk with God, and they'll be able to help you figure out what to do with what you're hearing.

A few days after I heard that message, I was in Matthew 6 and came across this passage:

²⁵During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
²⁷But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
²⁸"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
²⁹"Come," he said.

This illustrates the flip-side of the point I made earlier: Sometimes God talks to you in the middle of a really scary situation, tells you to do something scary, or both together. Again, if you're unsure, check the voice against something objective: the Bible. If it's Biblical and you truly have a desire to do the gutsy thing, my bet is that it's God.

An example from my walk (although a very straightforward one) is my efforts to hike the Appalachian Trail and use that to raise money for clean water wells in communities that don't have them; in these places people will walk miles upon miles for water that kills them. When I got the urge to turn the hike into a fundraiser, I knew immediately it was something I wanted to make happen. Jesus helped the poor, and told us to do the same. He told us to take care of those in disadvantaged situations; with the strong patriarchal society of the time, a widow was one of the most vulnerable members of society. Widows get mentioned a lot.

Thus, the desire put on my heart lined up with things God tells us to do in the Bible (which, by the way, tells us plenty of things to do on its own). I've been taking steps forward in the direction of preparations, and God has provided an on-campus group that just started recently that I can work with to get this done. I have no doubts God is going to go big with this.

Is there something big that's been put on your heart? A fundraiser, a conversation, anything?

Is it scary?

If you step out onto the water, you might be surprised and ecstatic at what happens next.

The sermon that the main point about Genesis 27 was taken from was given by Justin Schoonmaker at Generation Church at Christian Life Center. All credit to God for the effectiveness of the message.

Someone Let the Train Lady Know

2010-04-16T15:26:00.000-04:00

On a train, more than a year ago, a lady I had never met before and haven't seen since asked for my copy of C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves that was sticking out of my jacket pocket. She saw my guitar and told me to "write that song." Whether she knew it or not, she was talking about a very specific song that I had begun to write that I was just calling "my Godsong." A line or two would come to me every few days and I would write them down, but I had been pretty laid back about actually trying to get the song finished.

Fast forward to the end of this past March. At a church retreat the pastor speaking that weekend encouraged us to chase after dreams that God has put in our heart; things we have always wanted to do, but never pursued. These things God puts on our hearts are not only there, but should be pursued for the strengthening of the church and to honor God: "When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these things must be done for the strengthening of the church." (1 Corinthians 14:26) Note that doing these things is not a "you can if you feel like it." Paul tells us that these things must be done!

Trust me, as soon as you start pursuing whatever dream or skill God has put in you, it gets exciting. After I heard this word of encouragement and heard some of the things those around me had been working on, I decided to get serious about my desire to write songs. I already had a song or two mostly written. I began to work on them more and more, and this past Wednesday I recorded my first one at my college library's media center... what better time to chase this God-given dream, when I have free access to a recording studio!

I'm not a fluent musician. I've sung before, but I haven't seriously taken in up in more than a year. I've been playing guitar on and off for three years, which means that I'm very much still an amateur. Every time I get hung up on these things, though, God reminds me of Moses who had no confidence in his ability to speak in front of people.

It doesn't matter if your dream that you want to chase is in a field or area that you have little to no experience in. I don't feel good enough on my own to actually write and record songs. Moses didn't feel like asking the leader of a powerful nation to free the entire labor force and leading millions of people through the desert for several decades, and look what happened to him.

And if that's not enough, Paul encourages us in this yet again, in Philippians 1:6: "...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Write that song. Write that book. Write that poem. Write that commentary on Habakkuk. Paint that painting. Design that architecture. Sculpt that sculpture. Write that blog. Film that movie (start with a short). Choreograph that dance. Try your hand at stand-up (if you can be funny, clean, and God-honoring, you'll have a strong following in no time). Take that picture. Take a lot more pictures. Perform that role. Write that play. Write that manifesto for a new way to look at an area of study (if you're into it, sociology could really use one). Write that play that doubles as a manifesto. Write that manifesto for a completely new are of study. Review that music. Review that movie. Surf that wave. Ride that half-pipe. Style that hair. Do pedicures in the name of Jesus. Do anything. For Jesus. For God. He'll make it more than you can dream it would be.

Home

2010-04-16T14:50:00.003-04:00

As I came across this passage in Revelation 21, it hit me with a new significance; this is our promised home with God. We will be there one day.

My favorite part is the last paragraph.

And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. ¹¹It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. ¹²It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. ¹³There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. ¹⁴The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
¹⁵The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls. ¹⁶The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadiain length, and as wide and high as it is long. ¹⁷He measured its wall and it was 144 cubits thick, by man's measurement, which the angel was using. ¹⁸The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. ¹⁹The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third chalcedony, the fourth emerald, ²⁰the fifth sardonyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. ²¹The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass.
²²I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. ²³The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. ²⁴The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it.²⁵On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. ²⁶The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. ²⁷Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb's book of life.

What Jesus Sang

2010-03-18T22:17:00.003-04:00

This is something really profound that I discovered a while back, and have recently run across and decided to share. At the end of the last supper, Jesus and the disciples sang a hymn for the end of the Passover meal (Matthew 26:30). My footnotes specified what was sung after said meal: Psalm 115-118. While Psalms 115-117 are great, I want to point out some very poignant verses from 118. I've made bold the verses that are especially profound in light of the fact that Jesus was singing them so close to the cross... those of you who love Jesus like I do, this will mean a lot to you.

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
² Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."
³ Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."
⁴ Let those who fear the LORD say:
"His love endures forever."
⁵ In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and he answered by setting me free.
⁶ The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
⁷ The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.
⁸ It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.
⁹ It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.
¹⁰ All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
¹¹ They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
¹² They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
¹³ I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
¹⁴ The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
¹⁵ Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
¹⁶ The LORD's right hand is lifted high;
the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
¹⁷ I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
¹⁸ The LORD has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.
¹⁹ Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
²⁰ This is the gate of the LORD
through which the righteous may enter.
²¹ I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.
²² The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;
²³ the LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.
²⁴ This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
²⁵ O LORD, save us;
O LORD, grant us success.
²⁶ Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD.
From the house of the LORD we bless you.
²⁷ The LORD is God,
and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession
up to the horns of the altar.
²⁸ You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.
²⁹ Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Love As Action II: Sitting in Chairs

2010-03-12T14:22:00.003-05:00

I am sitting in this chair as I type because I trust it. I believe that this chair will continue to support me and keep my off the floor for as long as I remain in it. If you asked me if I believe that the chair would keep me off the floor, I would say yes, I do. This would be evidenced by the fact that I would, at some future point, proceed to sit upon the chair.

What if I never sat in the chair after that? You might become suspicious of my earlier stated conviction about the chair. You might ask me, and rightfully so, if I actually believe that the chair would hold me. I had essentially professed a belief in in the consequence of an action of mine, an if-then statement: if I sit down in the chair, then it will hold me off the ground. My verbal statement of belief, which isn't physical, is directly connected to tangible reality: my actions.

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? [...]

In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

-James 2:14-19

If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.

-Quoted from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

I claim to believe in chairs, gravity, and the sturdiness of wood. Therefore, I sit in chairs.

I claim to believe in Jesus as the Son of God, as completely God and completely man, as the savior of broken people, as my personal, all-powerful savior. I don't always sit in that chair, so to speak. By God's grace I've learned the importance of loving Him; but I can't claim that every little action I take is motivated by the desire to love God and love other people with His love. I want it to be that way though; yes, it's an "ideal," but half the time someone tries to comfort me with that it's because they don't see the purpose in trying.

When I do fall short, I must not wallow in shame and guilt; there is "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus," because He has set us free from the law (Romans 8:1-2). However, I shouldn't abuse grace and use that as an excuse to become lazy and idle in my pursuit of Him (Romans 6:15-18); that would be manipulative of God, and trust me, He'd know.

When I claim to be a God follower, a Jesus freak, it follows that I am saying I want to live like Jesus. I say I believe this with no reservations, and I don't want to shy away from it because I believe that the brokenness of the world, God, Jesus, and His desire for people to come to Him and His love are objective truths. It's easy enough to write bold things like that as I sit here in an empty house, but my desire is to live that out with my daily life, with each of my actions, so that God's love might be shown. I'm not perfect, but God knows that. He knew that before I did, and planned well in advance for that... in fact, it's an integral part of His plan. So is your imperfection. Since He's the one I'm relying on, I don't have to worry about Him not coming through for me.

I trust in the chair beneath me, but only for temporary resistance to gravity. I trust in the God above me, for salvation and provision in this live. The chair's made of wood; while sturdy, I don't think it could handle all my shortcomings if they physicalized themselves suddenly. But I'm still trusting the chair enough to sit in it. God's a lot more than wood, and I'm learning to trust him with a lot more than just keeping my butt off of the ground.

Don't Discredit God

2010-03-05T00:54:00.000-05:00

Philippians 1:6...

...being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Most people like to have control over their lives. We like to be certain of everything, and not to have questions or uncertainty or something that we can't explain. It's uncomfortable. Personally, I have never been a control freak with regard to other people; but I have a desperate desire for control in my personal life. I like deadlines, obvious directions, clear communication, and a knowledge of the path in front of me.

I was getting very clear direction from God concerning my course of action in an area of my life. I had received multiple confirmations of this direction form many areas, from leadership to my small group to prayer... but just because I was apprehensive, I kept second-guessing God. I went into a conversation with a very trusted older friend looking for a definite yes or no; the answer I got was "If you're getting a yes from God, then yes; if you're getting a no, then no." It wasn't exactly definitive, which frustrated me a little... but it ended up being what I needed to hear.

In worship that night at my church's midweek youth service, I got convicted of what I had been doing. After so many positive confirmations from God of the direction I was to head in, I still wanted more proof. In worship God didn't give me a definite yes or no; He let me know that I hadn't been trusting Him. He had given me a really clear direction, but I kept coming back saying "Are you sure? Could you tell me that one more time? I just need to be completely sure." He told me to trust what He had told me and to acknowledge that He is in control even in my uncertainty.

I had more than enough confirmations to be confident of my direction, but I kept discrediting what God had told me before and came back to re-confirm. It's like my Dad telling me that I could take the car somewhere and then coming back to ask him if I could take the car somewhere... five more times. If God has put a purpose on your heart, don't discredit that. Move forward in it as soon as possible after seeking wisdom from brothers and sisters you trust. Start that prayer group. Invite that person that God has put on your heart to church. Pray with and for a non-Christian, if they'll let you. They usually will. If you've received clear direction, don't waste time by pretending that you're still unsure.

This is not to say that you should rush everything; some situations take time to work out and patience to see through and find a opportunity in. But don't plan on witnessing to someone "next week." Commit to it next time you see them. Step forward in obedience and God will reward that; and for His sake, don't wait until tomorrow to do it. Give control over to Him and step forward in faith, and God will see it through.

Philippians 1:6...

...being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Promises and Exile

2010-03-03T17:48:00.008-05:00

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

When David was anointed by Samuel to become the next King of Israel, I'm sure he was pretty excited. Good things started to happen pretty quickly: he was summoned to Saul's court because he was known for his harp playing, and he quickly became a favorite of Saul. He steps out in faith and kills Goliath, being much younger and presumably smaller than any of the Israelite warriors; he just trusts in God's promise that He will let the Israelites prevail against those who spoke against the name of the Lord. For this, David is promised riches and the King's daughter in marriage; he's now set up to join the royal family.

Things are looking pretty good for the small town shepherd boy who always lived in the shadow of his older brothers, as he's just one or two steps away from stepping into that kingship he was promised. If I were him, I'd be on top of the world. After the Goliath incident David is made a military commander and meets with great success in the field, and everyone loves him.

But then his best friend's dad, Saul, a.k.a. King Saul, randomly attempts to kill David while he's playing the harp. The only reason I can imagine that David stayed around after this was that he was anticipating kingship; he didn't want to be far away from the throne. If he were just a regular servant, he would have every reason to get out of there.

More military campaigns, more success. And then a girl. Saul's daughter Michal falls in love with him. Maybe that attempt at murder was just a one time thing and there's nothing to worry about... after all, how can Saul kill his son's best friend and his daughter's love interest?

It seems like everyone underestimated how crazy Saul was. After a short episode where he tells Jonathan and all his servants to kill David (they don't, by the way), Saul goes after David personally. It's a repeat of last time: David's playing the harp, Saul has a spear. Fortunately the spear only ends up in the wall.

Recognizing a pattern, David gets out of there. Finally. Holding out for the crown doesn't seem to be an effective strategy at this point. Very confused and frustrated, he asks Jonathan "What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to take my life?" (1 Samuel 20:1). After some investigation, it's decided that David has to leave for good... he and Jonathan cry together before he leaves.

Where's God's promise at this point? So many things have happened that appear directly contrary to what God said would happen. God said he would become king, but now he's a lonely exile.

In Gath, a land of enemies, he pretends to be insane to avoid trouble. He gathers a band of discontented men soon afterward.

Saul has the priests of the Lord killed, all 85 of them, because they knew about David's escape but didn't tell Saul. Then he has the entirety of the village of Nob killed for similar reasons.

Imagine having that on your conscience. Then imagine that your entire family, along with everyone else's family, is kidnapped while you are away on errands. And your men start to talk about mutiny. How close does that crown feel now?

David doesn't lose faith, though. The families are recaptured. Saul commits suicide in battle, and David is anointed as King... after a very, very long time. But now he's prepared. He's led people through extremely tough times, and learned to really on God in each and every situation. He's now prepared to take hold of that promise.

Anything, no matter how terrible or inconvenient, that happens to you can lead to success; especially those things which seem to be perfectly detrimental to what God has promised you. Our perspective is so short-sighted. We can't see what's ahead, or how what hurts now will grow us years down the road; but He can. So, remember: when you are promised the crown and then you are exiled from your very home, don't worry. Cry, and be sad (that's normal), but ultimately... don't worry, don't turn away, and keep on walking toward Jesus. God's road map for our lives has a lot more depth to it than we can understand.

Love As Action

2010-02-26T22:28:00.001-05:00

This is from a talk I was privileged to give at the church I attend in my hometown over Winter break. The first part, not included below, is my testimony up to the point I decided to cut away the worldly influences in my life and chase after God. I cut it out for brevity, as well as to not publicly dwell on parts of my past in which other people were an integral part.

I had said over and over again that I was a Christian, that I loved God, but I discovered that if you don’t fully embrace what that means you will fall until you do.

I began to seek my Savior every day through His Word and prayer. I realized how starved I had been, and had always had the lingering conviction to take action in spending time with Him every day.

I began looking for a new church; I was never able to connect with the people at my old church [in Williamsburg], and I felt suffocated by the start contrast between the amount of polite smiles and honest hellos I would get. A month and a half later, in a letter from another country, I found out about a bible-following, God-loving church in my college’s town. Using his Holy Spirit, His word, and His servants there, our Father led me through a time of explosive spiritual growth. I was constantly smiling.

That spring, I fell in love with Jesus, with God. Don’t just gloss over those words or take them lightly; when I say “in love,” I mean the Romeo and Juliet kind of love. The kind where the first sixteen lines spoken between us were a perfect sonnet with rhymed couplets, considered by Shakespeare and his contemporaries to be the highest form of poetry, the most elevated way to speak words, the purest expression of emotion. That’s what I mean by “in love.” [This is] Not to say that I’ve been perfect ever since; by no means. But there is a connection there that hadn’t been before.

By then I had become a serious threat to the enemy, so there was a pretty big roadblock thrown my way in the form of family trouble; I won’t go into detail. Since then, growth has been not quite as explosive; it has looked slower, but it has been deeper and He has built up my foundations in several ways through a very tough time. Foundations that probably weren’t going to be built up any other way. And He’s show me that [He] never let[s] go… His peace is with me through each step I take, when I dedicate time each day to seeking His face and loving Him.

God never only said He loved me, but many times I had only said I loved Him. I never showed him that with my actions. He redeemed for his Kingdom all my wrong turns. Turns he didn’t want me to make, but ones that he would redeem as soon as I let him.

Jesus says in John 14, verses 15-17:

If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever- the Spirit of truth.

In verse 21:

Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.

And in verse 23 [emphasis added]:

If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My father will loves him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching.

Obedience and love are very much linked. I will balance this by saying that we cannot only follow the rules without doing it for the right reason, as that will just lead to frustration and sin. We should be like the child who runs out to meet their parent arriving home from work. The running isn’t work. It’s steps taken out of love and a desire to be with that person.

I look back on my life through God’s eyes and see that I wasn’t always obeying his teachings. I wasn’t without him in high school, but I hadn’t surrendered all my desires to him. Times of testing came later which showed that my morals had been founded on sand.

I challenge you to look into the Bible and seek out God’s teachings for our lives, and to follow them. Pray for wisdom and brokenness. Do both of these things daily. Don’t you affirm your love for your fellow humans daily? Do you take a day off from telling the person you’re closest to, “I love you” because it’s tedious? Also, don’t take on this journey alone, get involved in a small group… God will use those people to nurture and challenge you in awesome ways.

Look at yourself through the standards of the Bible. Look at Jesus on the cross and see his love as defined by his actions, cleansing you and me of all filth and redeeming missed opportunities. Then, don’t only say that you love him… he has never only said that he loves you.

Shared at Hope Christian Fellowship in Warrenton on January 3rd, 2010.

Peace in Uncertainty

2010-02-25T00:23:00.004-05:00

This is something I've learned in a very practical way recently; my train of thought was sparked partially by a friend of mine who's looking at going to school in Richmond as a possibility, but is very uncertain about whether he would live here or there and whether Richmond is where he's supposed to go. He talked about how he gave those plans up to God, and until he gets confirmation through prayer or open doors he's going to just dwell on the fact that God's in control and knows the situation perfectly.

The tough part's just existing in a state of uncertainty, which is a very active thing. But it teaches us to pray to God concerning these choices and situations; and then we wait. We just wait, keep serving God and pursuing a relationship with him, abandoning our insistent need for control over what's going on in our lives. In His time, He'll bring us guidance and wisdom... be confident of that.

Habbakkuk 1:5...

Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

While this was a prophetic word to the Israelite people, I believe the bigness of God's plans for His people have not diminished. When you are uncertain and worried and grasping at the wheel, just remember that whatever God brings about will be used for His great plan for you, if you let Him.

There's one last tool in our spiritual toolbox that works wonders for these situations, and it's found in Philippians 4:7:

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Other translations say "God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand;" "the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension;" and "God's peace, which goes far beyond anything we can imagine." The point is that God will give you peace that doesn't make sense from a worldly point of view, because you're trusting in the power of someone the world doesn't want to acknowledge. Pray for peace, and keep spending time with Someone who won't waste it. He'll lead you through in time.

Unveiled Faces

2010-01-29T00:32:00.005-05:00

This piece of scripture goes out to my fellow brothers and sisters who are passionate about their Savior and are always striving to glorify Him... those from Warrenton, those in the Burg, those I've met through this blog, and those elsewhere. I'm so fortunate that I can count the many of you among my blessings.

I came across this today... it's a beautiful exhortation from Paul.

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:12-18

Get out there and unveil your face today.

Power Made Perfect

2010-01-25T23:19:00.005-05:00

Paul writes, after describing the "thorn" in his side:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I read this verse a few weeks ago, and it has been on my heart ever since... what has stuck with me most was the phrase "my power is made perfect in weakness." Here is our God, the creator of the universe, Lord over and above time, saying that His power can be made perfect in our lives when we are weak. Not to say that He isn't all-powerful when we are not weak; when we are weak, though, His power is fully realized in our lives. When we are weak, God can be even more evident in our lives. When we are weak, His power is made perfect.

It's difficult to really convey the true weight of this statement, to get past our "Sunday School mindsets" and really sink our teeth into the meaning... let's look at Paul's predicament concerning weakness immediately prior to this verse.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
2 Corinthians 12:7-8

When we disconnect this part from what follows, we see Paul's original situation before he learned the lesson. He was getting to do great things, so to keep him humble God gave him a "thorn in [his] flesh, a messenger of Satan" that was a great hindrance. One that made Paul plead with God several times to remove it. But when Paul asks for the really painful thing to be taken away, how does God respond?

"...my power is made perfect in weakness."

Not only do trials develop in us perseverance and help us to become "mature and complete" (James 1:2-4), but God's power is made perfect when we are weak.

God is big. Don't you want His power to be made perfect in your life? When we are weak, all credit goes to Him because we sure aren't strong enough; when we are weak, He gives us a peace that "passes understanding." That means that from a worldly point of view, it makes absolutely no sense to have peace at that time. People will ask questions, and we must be ready to "give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have" (1 Peter 3:15).

These verses are definitely for those of you who are going through a tough time and having trouble finding reasons for it or any good in it. God will work wonders in your attitude and outlook if you devote some time to talking to Him about it and reading the word as it pertains to the subject.

To balance this (so I'm not just writing about the blessings of tough times), God will bring us into times of joy when it is right. Negative situations may last a long time (Paul's thorn was definitely long-lasting, as we have no confirmation it was ever removed here on Earth), but if they last that long you will no doubt learn very well in your heart the lessons that Paul did. David, who had many a rough time, writes:

For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.
Psalm 66:10-12

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14

Tough times will last, but the goodness of the LORD is still certain, and He will lead you to a place of abundance. For me, a place of abundance has come through hitting some tough times and learning how to glorify God with them... the tough situations are still present, but now I see them differently and even thank Him for them, because His power is made perfect when I am weak.

Therefore...

...I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The Point Of No Return

2010-01-09T19:30:00.003-05:00

There is no such thing.

I say this mainly in the context of situations going downhill that you have partial to no control over. Ones that are partly to completely your fault. Ones that you want to fix, but every attempt leads further down the path of separation.

You can never go so far, you can never screw up so much, you can never hurt someone enough to render the situation completely nonredeemable. Oh sure, you say. I know that.

Do you?

Have you prayed for love, wisdom, and hope in this situation? Have you prayed that God would redeem it all? Have you been praying for someone, and then your relationship with them starts to disintegrate?

Don't give up. Pray for brokenness, humility, love, wisdom... and keep going. We often give up on these situations and people and seek to avoid them, we seek to withdraw our efforts when things get bad, when it hurts to face it.

Pray, and face it. It will be the most liberating thing you can do, having your Father break the fear out of you and stepping out in faith and courage to witness, to mend, and to rebuild.

If it gets worse, just remember: the situation is never beyond redemption. It can never be so far gone that God can't repair it. There is no such thing as the point of no return.

Trials, Temptations, and Failures as Preparation

2009-12-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

The concept of "the temptation of Christ" has been so repeated and skimmed over that it has lost much of it's potent meaning to today's average Christian. It has become some far off divine event that was just something Jesus did, like walking on water or healing sick people. It has lost its significance to many. So have the other two, but I've only got your attention for a few paragraphs.

The isolated event is simple enough. Jesus walks into the desert, does not eat for forty days, and the Devil tempts him. Satan tries to gain the upper hand through food, because Jesus has a physical body and is no doubt feeling severe hunger. Jesus's answer is scripture. Satan tries to appeal to the supernatural connection between Christ and the Father, asking Jesus to jump down from a very high place to have the angels catch him. The answer, again, is scripture. Lastly he is tempted by "all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor" at the cost of worshiping Satan.

I'm going to mention, but not focus on the obvious trends. Jesus, God incarnate, the Word made flesh, quoted scripture in response to temptation. If God (as Jesus) responds to temptation with scripture, how much more should we depend on it? Commitment of scripture to memory is essential and exceptionally useful.

The other obvious trend is that Jesus was tempted and resisted that we might be able to more readily identify with his humanity. He was tempted like we are, but resisted. That's where the power to resist temptation lies, with Jesus, and having your mind "set on what the Spirit desires." You've heard that before and probably inferred it from the story.

What I want to do is place this event in the timeline of Jesus's ministry; at the beginning. Before beginning his ministry he went through these temptations; they were necessary to prepare him for the Father's plans. The temptations in our life will often (if not always) take much more subtle forms than what happened here; the Devil is not likely to come up to you in bodily form and say "Worship me and you'll get all this treasure!" Instead, you will be faced with choices. When one looks at these situations through the eye of scripture and through consulting fellow believers, one option will become clearly the way that leads to God's plan for you. It will often be the more difficult one, the one where you personally give up more... usually what you hold dear (material security, pride... pride is a tricky one because you think you're right). The most difficult choice will seem to bring you more hardship, but if you move forward believing that God will work His will in your life for the best even though it really sucks, He will. Psalm 66:10-12 comes to mind here:

For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.

Find support in fellow believers. Seek a relationship with God everyday through reading the Bible, praying, and worshipping; the result of being obedient to Him in the darkest of days, in the valley of death, is abundance. It may take a while, but He will lead you there.

These kinds of trials have prepared some of the most famous people of God for their work for Him; David spent years as the runt of the litter tending the sheep, risking his life against lions and bears to protect the flock while his brothers got the best training and reputations among the people. I don't think David was completely worry-free when the wild animals came to eat his dad's sheep; I'm sure that was very much a trial where he could have ran. He stayed and fought, though, protecting the sheep of the man who did not expect him to be one of Israel's most famous kings.

Moses, from our perspective, completely blew his first opportunity to save the Israelites by killing an Egyptian and earning the scorn of the very people he wanted to help. That wasn't nearly enough to stop God from using him to be the one to lead a people out of years upon years of bondage and slavery... forty years after the fact.

Remember Joshua, who led the Israelites? He was among the Israelite spies sent into the promise land who despaired and didn't speak up against the nay-sayers, even when Caleb was faithful and spoke out against those who didn't think they could take the land. Talk about feeling ashamed for not being brave enough; God still used this guy, having learned from these experiences, to lead the people in conquest.

See a common theme here? Second Corinthians 12:9-10...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Your mistakes can't stop God. He has personally guaranteed and shown many times that He can work with whoever you are, whatever you've done. Because you are not a loser when you humble yourself before Him; as soon as you admit your brokenness and your foolishness, He will start to grow you and mature you and prepare you for the advancing of His kingdom. Just seek Him, seek a relationship with Him; in some ways, like a human relationship. You've got to spend time with the other person (worship), talk to them (prayer), hear what they have to say to you (Bible)(those are not exclusive, i.e. you can very much talk to God in worship/hear from him in prayer). The difference is that God is all-knowing, all-powerful, beyond time, and loves you vastly more than you can imagine. Don't you want that kind of friend looking out for you? Even better, don't you want that kind of Father looking out for you? What wouldn't He do for you, his Child, to bring you to the best possible place in Him?

Sad and Angry

2009-12-27T00:46:00.005-05:00

Those were not the feelings I expected to feel. Nostalgia was what I most expected; and I did feel nostalgic, to an extent. Awkwardness was a possibility, but was quickly ruled out when I actually got up the nerve to say hi to people. Each of the individual people were lovely, and it was nice to catch up with people I hadn't seen in a while (a long while).

The elementary school reunion at the restaurant was a lot of fun. Lots of re-meeting people. The advantage to this is that you get to act like good friends because you knew each other so long ago, but you get to toss out all the awkward things that happened because you were 12, and now your digits are flipped.

What happened later was what happens at every gathering of people who all have a mutual acquaintance, who isn't present and is weird. A few brave ones start to make jokes at this person's expense, and everyone laughs and nobody stops them. I contributed to the "nobody" who stopped them. Was it because I didn't have an immediate connection to the joke's target? I hadn't seen them in years eight years either. Was it because I hadn't seen these people in years, and didn't want to ruin my good, comfortable impression that I could tell I had from their occasional smiles? I can by no means say I'm better than anyone else who was in that room; I've hurt people before. I felt as soon as I left the after-party that I should have said something. After all, what's the worst these people could do to me? Un-friend me on Facebook? I couldn't have condemned them; that would just incite people to anger and not to thought. If I had told them gently but unflinchingly that what they were doing was destructive, I might have angered some people, but there's no doubt people would start to think. Especially the ones I could tell who were like me (to an extent) and not entirely approving (on the inside) of all the mudslinging.

If you were one of those people in the room... I'm not pointing fingers and saying that you're a terrible person through and through. I'm expecting at least a few of you will stumble across this. What I am saying is that making fun of people who aren't exactly following the norm, for whatever reason, is destructive. You have no idea what that person is really like if you're saying these things about them. If you're making fun of them, I would assume you've never been in their position.

I feel that there is a need to call this kind of thing out... of course, I'm no poster child, but I strive to be more and more bold about these things, to stop people from tearing each other down needlessly and destructively. And I would hope that anyone who knows me would feel the need to point out to me my own hypocrisy that I might improve myself.

All that to say... I was angry and sad on the drive home. More angry at the human tendency to be nasty than at that group of people in particular, though that was the event that sparked the fire in my head. I cried out to Jesus a lot on that ride home, especially during the worshipful songs that came on the speakers. I felt very broken, but very motivated. I had gone to the reunion thinking it would be a good witnessing opportunity, but it didn't really happen the way I had imagined it. It never does. On the ride home I was assured that this was definitely for a reason... there is no such thing as truly wasted time when you're a Child of God. Time can only seem wasted until your eyes are opened to purposes much bigger than you ever hoped or imagined.

This Blog? Not Mine.

2009-11-30T15:46:00.008-05:00

Woe to you who are complacent in Zion, and to you who feel secure on Mount Samaria, you notable men of the foremost nation, to whom the people of Israel come! [...] You strum away on your harps like David and improvise on your musical instruments. You drink wine by the bowlful and use the finest lotions, but you do not grieve over the ruin of Joseph.

Amos 6:1-2, 5-6.

Then the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah's head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, "It would be better for me to die than to live."

But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?"

"I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die."

But the LORD said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight."

Jonah 4:6-10

If you're reading this, you have access to the internet. Most likely, you live in America or some other highly developed country. I would venture a guess that you've never had to worry about getting your next meal, that you have a house with running water and electricity, and that you're not being politically oppressed for your religious beliefs. How much of that did you build or obtain completely from scratch? I can't even claim the fact that I'm at a good college... it was my parent's decision to move to this state, and they raised me with a very good work ethic. Sure, I do work hard, but I can't claim it 100%; I didn't farm the wheat and ground the flour, I just put the ingredients in the oven.

All this to say: what you have been given is enormous. We're comfortable, and that's a blessing. Our problem is that we have no perspective; we don't know how fortunate we are, how much other people are lacking. All that we have is "normal" to us.

I could spend the rest of this post advocating giving all you have to the poor, literally selling your unneeded "luxuries," giving the money to the Church, and taking only what you need to live off of from your paycheck. I won't go that route because I haven't gotten the chance to be able to do that myself... I still give spontaneously when I'm led, but I want to live out what I read in the Bible as a financial ideal before I really start to bug people about it.

Want I want to encourage you in today is simpler... live as a threat to Hell. Think about God-focused things: get into a worshipful mood through music everyday (seeking God's face on a daily basis), get into the Bible everyday (Jesus, God incarnate, used scripture to refute Satan), and PRAY everyday (a gift so powerful that 1 Thessalonians tells us to pray nonstop). Everything we have, we have been given. Especially us here in America, where too much food is more of a problem than too little.

If you're a Christian, I suspect you would say you love God. Do you show that with your actions? I'll balance that by saying that seeking God is not a checklist; you don't have to fill up a prayer meter to get to be a part of God's awesome plan for your life. "Seeking" God with all you are is an intent that manifests itself in action... and it's a tricky balance to keep up, but if your heart is in the right place (loving him) you'll be fine.

I want to encourage you in this; it was life changing, one year two months ago, when I pulled out of a moral nosedive and decided that I would finally live out my faith, what it really means to be a follower of Jesus. This is obscured so much for us in the U.S.; in faith-persecuting contries, it is literally a hazard to your life to profess faith in Jesus.

Start by praying.

Is Ignorance Necessary to Preserve Faith?

2009-10-30T11:10:00.007-04:00

This is a transcript of a radio show called "Stand to Reason" by Gregory Koukl. I saw this posted by a friend elsewhere and thought that it should be shared; I haven't posted other people's work on my blog before, so that speaks to how much this article really affected me.

The body of work and title (above) are, of course, not my own at all, and can be seen in its original context here.

Materialists - people who don’t believe in God and souls and demons and angels and heaven and hell and the afterlife and all of that - believe in what you can experience with the five senses, and that is the physical realm. That’s their metaphysical view. Metaphysical views are views about what you believe is real, and a materialist believes that the only thing that is real is matter in motion. Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, for example, hold to this view. “Materialism” is the view that, at least methodologically, drives modern science. It’s the worldview of the “new atheists” who are very aggressive arguing that religion is irrational and dangerous.

They say you can believe in God if you want, but when it comes to doing science, you cannot make reference to agency outside of the natural realm. Materialists have a tremendous amount of confidence that science will answer all of the relevant questions, because all of the relevant questions only entail things that are physical, since only physical things exist. There’s no need, in other words, for sticking God in the so-called gap.

I think that Christians are in part responsible for the confidence that materialists have that science will fill the gap because many Christians make a consistent mistake regarding the relationship of faith and reason. The error itself is evidenced in this question that I hear variations of this all the time: “If there is so much evidence for God, then what’s the point of faith?” If our evidence for Christianity is so great that it amounts to giving us knowledge of facts that we can know for sure, then it squeezes faith right out of the equation.

Notice something very important about this perspective that many Christians hold. It puts faith in opposition to knowledge. There’s an inverse relationship between the two, such that when you increase one, you decrease the other. You increase knowledge, faith decreases because you can’t have faith in what you know. Faith is what you exercise when you don’t know. This casts faith as a kind of religious wishful thinking because wishful thinking is all that’s available to you when you don’t know something.

Knowledge is what you know so faith is reserved for ignorance. This is what some people think Paul meant when he said, “We walk by faith and not by sight.” We walk by believing—faith—not by knowing—sight. And if we know, it’s no longer faith. Knowledge, in this equation, is the enemy of faith, and Christians are told to have faith.

This view is clearly false in a moment’s reflection and examination of Scripture. The opposite of knowledge is not faith, it’s ignorance. And the opposite of faith is not knowledge, it’s unbelief.

It’s also not what the Bible teaches about faith, and this is the salient point. There are many Christians who have a view of faith that is not Biblical. In fact, it is contrary to the Bible. And this view of faith that’s contrary to the Bible ends up giving aid and comfort to materialism, theism’s primary worldview rival in our time.

The Bible teaches that faith is trusting in what you know to be true because you have reason to believe it’s true. I develop this point at length in an article entitled “Faith Is Not Wishing,” so I’m not going to pursue the details here, except to give you a couple of examples.

Jesus said in Mark 2, “In order that you may know that the Son of Man has the power to forgive sins,” because He had just said to the paralytic, “Your sins are forgiven.” This annoyed people. Of course, nobody could see whether the sins were actually forgiven, so He said, “In order that you may know that I have the power to forgive sins, I say to you, take up your pallet and go home.” The act of healing was something they could see to secure the reality, the knowledge, the certainty, the fact of something they couldn’t see—forgiveness of sin. And it was this that inspired their acts of trust. They had knowledge that sin could be forgiven, and this is precisely why they were able to exercise trust.

Acts 2, Pentecost Sunday. Peter gave his message about the resurrection of Christ and the visible effects of the Spirit on their lives—the manifestations of speaking in many languages and tongues of fire that the people heard and saw. Peter said, “We’re not drunk. This is the Holy Spirit.” This is a fulfillment of prophecy, another evidence. He explains the evidence of the manifestations they could see and hear, evidence of fulfilled prophecy, and Jesus risen from the dead. “This man you crucified, God raised from the dead.” That’s another proclamation of an evidence—the empty tomb, the resurrection of Christ—and this was also prophesied. David the Psalmist spoke of it—another evidence. He gives evidence, after evidence, after evidence, and then concludes, Let all the House of Israel take a big leap of faith, because you can’t know any of this. No, of course not. He says, “Let all the House of Israel know for certain that God has caused Him to be Lord and Messiah, this Jesus whom you’ve crucified.” There is no leap of faith. There isn’t faith based on ignorance, but rather an act of trust that is based on knowledge, and the knowledge is based on the evidence.

The atheist looks at the misconstrued equation about faith and knowledge in exactly the same way as many mistaken Christians do. There are things you can know, and therefore there’s no need for faith. Faith is what you use when you’re ignorant.

As science and other fields of knowledge have advanced, we are ignorant about fewer things. Therefore, on this errant definition of faith, the things that we can actually exercise faith in has decreased because science has explained it. So those things that we might have, in ignorance, posited God for, have now been explained by science or will soon be explained. Science has explained so many things that seemed to need God to account for them, that there is now less need for God, on this view of faith. As a result, the God hypothesis, then, has less and less explanatory power, because the mysteries are giving way to knowledge and science.

Materialists, atheists, are buoyant. They’re exuberant. And I am completely sympathetic, at least in principle, to the atheists’ point if this is the way it is with faith and knowledge. The gaps, at least in principle, will all be filled by scientific knowledge and religion will be finally seen to be wishful thinking and superstition. That’s what we’re facing on this view of knowledge and faith as polar opposites.

On the contrary, faith is not opposite or contrary to knowledge. The expansion of knowledge by science, or by any other means, is no threat to faith and Christianity. If faith involves trusting in what we know, then the more we know, the more opportunity we have to trust. Faith and knowledge are companions that help us place our trust in God.

On the Biblical understanding of knowledge and faith, as knowledge increases, the ability to trust increases—the ability to exercise Biblical faith, which is an act of trust. The more we know about the intricate design in the universe, the reality of Jesus the Nazarene, the historical fact of the resurrection, all as well-justified true beliefs, the more we can put our trust in the God who became a man in Jesus, rose from the dead to rescue us from the debilitating and ultimately deadly disease of sin.

There’s no wishful thinking here. No leap of faith. No blind faith. Just a reasonable step of trust—trusting something we have good reason to believe is true. That’s the Biblical view. And it does not aid and abet the atheist.

Candy Love/Bullet Love

2009-10-23T23:26:00.003-04:00

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
Romans 8:20-22

The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 5:20-21

The Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained it, a righteousness that is by faith; but Israel, who pursued a law of righteousness, has not attained it. Why not? Because they pursued it not by faith but as if it were by works. They stumbled over the "stumbling stone."
Romans 9:30-32

Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.
C.S. Lewis

Without the law, there would be no sin. Without sin, there would be no need of grace to free us from that sin. God doesn't want just to love us tenderly and mildly. He wants to show in the biggest possible way that he loves us. He wouldn't have been contented to just take care of us in a safe little valley. He created a gap between us and him that was so huge that we can't cross it alone... under our own power there's no way to conquer it, like the Jews referenced above found out. So He shows us his love by paying the price of our sin, by sacrificing his son to bridge that gap between himself and us. If that gap hadn't been there, he wouldn't have been able to reach across it to rescue us.

Which action do you think shows more love: someone letting you eat candy whenever you like, or someone taking a bullet for you? The love of the person for you in each of the situations could be equal, but the actions themselves are quite different in how much love is demonstrated.

This thought was sparked by a conversation I recently had with a friend on the topic.

Greater than the Sum of our Yesterdays

2009-09-16T01:16:00.007-04:00

There are a lot of things that can obscure our view of who we really are in Christ. Most of the time these are subtle lies that we have been led to believe through negative experiences and the whispers of the Devil in our hearts; we often don't realize we're holding onto these limiting lies about ourselves until someone points them out to us. Then there's a wonderful moment of realization when we denounce the lie and learn to live by conquering it.

All too often we start to let sin define who we are. When we repeatedly fall to a sin, we start to tell ourselves that we have a problem with it because it's part of who were are... we say that the problem is inherent in our personality and is something we are given towards doing. It is true that we are stuck in the flesh and will always fight temptation... but once we admit Christ as our Savior, sin is no longer something that can control us. It has no legal claim over us. When one has not accepted Christ as one's Savior, one is under the "law." The "law" is that once we sin, we are separated from God because we have betrayed Him and now we must suffer eternal death (how much more when we do it over and over!). Once we know Christ, though, we are not operating under that system. We are under grace. Grace says that when we sin, Jesus has paid the death-price that is a result of that sin.

Romans 6:14
For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Romans 7:4
So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to him who was raised form the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God.

Sin is still sin. It will still happen; but it is not our master anymore. It doesn't have control over our bodies and spirits... Jesus does. As a personal example... I have always struggled with idolizing relationships, specifically a Godly-best friend-marriage type relationship. When I walk down the street and see someone attractive, I usually struggle more with thoughts like "Dang, I'd like to grow old with her." I place so much unnecessary value on the "perfect relationship," and I make it more important that God. I told myself for a long time that it was because I'm such an emotionally focused person that I have this problem; I just have a "big heart" and my idolizing was inherent in that. I was fooling myself into thinking it was my master. It's not. I realized this during a bible study on the topic of identity and I felt so relieved.

If I were reading this blog, I would have a question right now: Sure, this is all well and good, and I believe that I'm not "under the law" and a "slave to sin" anymore, but what does it actually mean for my practical everyday life? What do I do to live this out? What steps should Zach take to live free from the slavery of idolization?

That, my friends, is why we have Romans 7:14 through 8:17. I would encourage you to read the entirety of it on your own, to get the full picture. Listen to Paul's frustrations here... they are common to every human being. He then give us directions to overcome sin...

Romans 7:18-25
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do want I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work withing my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I usually don't quote such large pieces of scripture, but this one is so full of good verses that I felt I couldn't leave them out. Here, especially in that very last sentence, Paul brings this concept down to Earth for us. We are free in our minds, as slaves to God's law; but our sinful nature is always a part of us. When we repeatedly fall into sin, like Paul does here, what do we do?

There are two key verses from Romans 8 that tell us:

Romans 8:1-2
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

The first one refutes a very, very common lie of the Devil that we listen to in our hearts; we submit to feelings of condemnation, feelings that points out and stimulates sin. When we wallow in self-pity and defeat because of our sin, that is what we are submitting to; but it is a lie. Don't listen to it!

The second one tells us how to combat our sin. We must set our minds on what the Spirit desires; we need to condition what we think about so that we do not dwell on sinful things. This process can involve stopping cursing, submitting sinful thoughts to God, getting rid of negative things that you surround yourself with... to name a few. Something that helps a lot with this process is finding a group of Christian friends to plug into and get involved with. If hanging out with your closest group of friends causes you to fall into sin (that happened with me), find Christian friends to hang out with and grow close to. Don't leave your "worldly" friends behind (although, depending on the situation, this could be necessary), but get a supportive group of people who endorse your choices. Alone, for too long, you'll fall. I did. I still maintain very close friendships with my non-Christian friends, but it's a little different as I don't participate in all they do.

Find someone, or a few people whom you know are solid Christians that you can trust and talk to them. God will speak wisdom through them, and guide you to live more purely for him and you'll be able to, more and more, escape from sin and embrace a really awesome and dynamic walk with your Lover, Creator, and King. Your actions don't define you. Jesus does... and trust me, he'll define you into a very powerful testimony for Him.

Beach Thoughts

2009-09-06T00:14:00.005-04:00

Wrote this while reflecting on life, the universe, and everything today at the beach...

I've been going through Acts recently. Really good stuff. At one point, Paul could get out of prison and go free, and he's been imprisoned for more than two years- but he appeals to Caesar and that keeps him in chains (Acts 26:32). Then he gets to witness directly to Caesar Agrippa, the ruler of the Roman Empire, about Jesus Christ. Dang. Talk about being sensitive to God's will and going all the way with it. He knew he would suffer in Jerusalem (the entire church pleaded with him not to go, because they saw this too) but he didn't turn. Do we really need to have something huge happen to us (as in, Paul's dramatic conversion) to get to that level?

...actually, when we get perspective on it, with our first sin and our repeated willful separations from God we committed the worst thing possible... knowing and willful separation from our loving and powerful God. We just need to realize that fact in its truth and entirety, like Paul did on the road to Damascus. When we take the time to really find out and experience how much He loves us, then we see the vastness of our sin and the hugeness of His love that conquers and spans that gap... no matter if you stole a cookie or killed millions. Then we choose: to live like we know that, or not.

For the story of Paul (formerly Saul), check out Acts 7:54 through 8:3 and then Acts 9:1-31 and the rest of Acts.

One, Two, Three, Blessing!

2009-08-17T00:45:00.000-04:00

The fourth of August was a Tuesday. A crazy, God-awesome Tuesday.

We were in the middle of rehearsals for the Youth Drama Camp production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, in which I was not a cast member but more of a freelance assistant and "morale commandant" (my credit in the program). I was in the kitchen of the church we were using, alone and waiting for some people to get to the adjacent dining room for a rehearsal. A man walked in who I didn't know, and after we greeted each other he started to look for something in the fridge. I found it for him when he mentioned he couldn't find it... after that interaction, he looked at me for a second, and then said he was getting some things from the Holy Spirit about me. I wish I could remember the following conversation a little better; I remember most of it and wrote it down later.

He asked me if I had a voice; I understood that he meant singing, and I said yes. He asked me my name, and I told him. He told me that there is Jewish blood in my background, specifically Jews who were forced to convert to Catholicism at some point (note: I looked this up today. In 1497 many Jews were forced to convert to Catholicism in Portugal, and I'm a quarter Portuguese. Portugal's not a very big country, and 500 years is a long time; so I'm confident that in my Portuguese heritage there are some of these Jews). He said he saw me as a cantor; in Jewish services the cantor is a singer who leads them in worship and prayer. What the gentlemen didn't know is that I had done just that (singing on the worship team) two days ago in the Sunday service when the college group led worship, and (completely impromptu) I was the one who called the congregation to worship and blessed them when they left (the true leadership of the worship that day was done by my friend Josh). Then the man who couldn't find his food in the fridge gave me a verse from 1st John, something about trusting God... unfortunately I don't remember what verse it was.

That experience alone was mind-blowing by itself. I was at Borders later, journaling about what had happened. I was digging through 1st John trying to remember the verse the gentleman had given me, when a lady saw my Bible. Her name was Martha and she was with a friend named Linny, and both of them were believers as well. Martha showed me her right hand, which was missing the outside three fingers. She had been in an airplane crash about thirty years ago and had been badly burned in addition to losing those fingers. Jesus brought her through it, she said. He was her strength and her provider through the whole thing. She asked me where I went to school; it turns out that she, the friend she was with (named Linny) and their two husbands had been down there yesterday! She told me that her husband is a pastor of 150 other pastors out in California. Pretty awesome!

After I wrote about the ladies in my journal, I wrote this: "God's definitely working something... we'll see. If not now, then later."

As I closed my journal and started to exit Borders, I stopped by where Mrs. Martha was to say goodbye and how glad I was that God crossed our paths that day. When I did so, she got a look in her eye and told me that I should go over to Panera where her husband, Linny's husband, and a friend of theirs (all great men of God, she said) were talking and that I should ask them for their blessing. I was dumbstruck, as I lady I hardly knew had just told me to walk up to three complete strangers in the middle of a busy public place and ask them to pray for me and bless me because their wives said so. Martha kept saying "If you're bold," and "be bold!"

After getting over the initial shock (and Mrs. Martha saying she'd ask her husband later if I actually went), I decided to go. Well, at least start walking towards Panera in a trance-like state of nervousness. Excited, apprehensive nervousness.

A quote from the movie Transformers came to mind:

"Fifty years from now when you're looking back at this moment, don't you want to be able to say you got in the car?"

I entered Panera with an induced sense of tunnel vision as I immediately found three slightly older looking men on the couches matching Mrs. Martha's description of them. If anyone I knew was in there, or even Robert Duvall (he lives in our county and isn't terribly uncommon to spot) I had no idea the entire time I was in there. I walked up to them and asked them if they were Rick, Roger and Steve; they laughed and said they were and asked how I knew. If I had been nearer to my comfort zone I would have made a joke, but all I could do was shakily tell them that their wives had divulged their names and recommended that I come over and ask for their blessing. They all got big smiles on their faces and you could tell the Holy Spirit inside them was resonating with what was happening. They had me sit down on the couch and asked me what my story was.

I told them about my years of high school; there was something resembling a witness there, and sometimes fire in the heart, but not the true, deep, appreciative love I have today. I told them about the first year and a half of college, how I wandered and got to the point where I had to leave either God or the world behind... and the choice I made then. I told them about how God had been growing me in amazing
ways since then.

Roger said that since I entered into that new relationship, I had probably encountered some roadblocks. I chuckled at how spot-on he was, and told them about my family's situation.

When the first gentleman prayed for me, he held my hand and made eye contact with me through the prayer (he likes to pray for people that way; he said the Bible doesn't say we have to close our eyes during prayer). He prayed a list of encouraging things for me, including a breaking of my fear. He prayed that I would remember that God redeems even our mistakes; especially the ones we make that turn out wrong later when we get more information. I'll be on the lookout for information that will do that to me.

After the prayer, he talked to me for a while. He said that where I am right now, time-wise and place-wise, is the place where I can most effectively further the kingdom of Heaven; fifty years earlier or later would have missed the mark. It's right now that I can use my uniqueness and glorify God to the greatest extent. So why not take advantage of that! He then gave me Deuteronomy 28:1-15. It's a list of what God will bestow upon those who obey his commandments and love him... he told me to go through it and replace all the pronouns with my name. He told me that I still need to learn that I am not just a friend of God, but closer; I am a son to God, and how much closer is a son than a friend!

Then the second guy spoke to me. He gave me Jeremiah 29:11... "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Then he talked about Noah and Noah's family; the Bible just says that Noah was righteous, not that anyone else in his family was. Salvation was brought "through him." I should focus on worshiping Him and building my relationship with God, and being the light in that way; not taking on the responsibility for anyone. He asked me if the I was the firstborn, which I am. He chuckled and said "Ah, the wide shoulders of the firstborn." This, quite obviously, was figurative. Then he gave me a big, caring, strong hug.

What a blessing and honor that day was. The second time in my life that God has moved in threes in my life with people; the first time was when I was leaving my hometown church over winter break and three different pairs of people prayed for me (independently of one another), ending with the Pastor and a Elder who's a second father to me. A total of six, split into two's. That Tuesday's pattern was one man of God, two women of God, three men of God. Six people total. I think God wanted to make it as blatant as possible that He's the one in control of my life.

God sent me a a good closing thought through my friend Brad that night after a small group meeting. He said that it's very good to remember these things, which is in fact a command repeated over and over again through the Old Testament. He said, however, to remember that this "altar" is just that: an altar, not an object of worship. It was good to hear that from him. He also said that he believes this kind of thing will be increasing in frequency, given the progression of the times. This stood out to me because I heard another man of God, Pastor Isabel, say the same thing a few months ago. With the confirmation of two witnesses, I'm confident in that as well.

God is good- I hope that you, reader, are encouraged by God's story here. It's Him whose glory I want to always testify to with this blog. I'm honored to be able to tell these stories... and trust me, I didn't earn my partaking of them and I hope I never think I did. I've left Him behind just as much as the next one... the funny thing is that He keeps going after us each time we do. I'd be lost and far gone if he didn't.

My Sister's Words

2009-08-06T21:28:00.002-04:00

My sister wrote this months ago, but I didn't find it until this summer. You can tell that we're related by her use of analogy to describe her Christian walk! Published with permission of the author; minor capitalization changes and editing by me.

"Alright, so as I was writing my application for WSS [White Sulfur Springs] this summer, I thought I would tweak one of the questions I answered and post it for you guys....so here it goes.

The beginning of this past year felt kind of like the Griffon Roller Coaster at Busch Gardens. As you get on, you deny that you’re actually going to go through with it, although once you are hooked in, there’s no going back. The Griffon carries its riders up 205 feet, holds them at the top of a drop, looking straight down, for the longest 3 seconds of their lives, and then hurtles them 90 degrees straight down at 70 mph. Then it goes on to do loop-de-loops, although none of them compare to the sheer fright experienced at the top of the first drop. But in my life this drop happened to be my parents separating. At that point I couldn’t understand how a Christian household could be separated and I questioned the power of God, thinking that he would’ve kept us together if he truly loved us. I turned my back on God, and went looking for love in the wrong places which led to more pain, but as always, God had a plan. He led me through the healing process, bringing me back into his ever-loving arms, and just like a roller coaster shaking the coins from your pocket, I lost belief God would make life easy for you. Instead, He taught me, as said in James 1:12, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” He is always with you, you just have to look. I look back on this year with a new gained respect and devotion to Christ, kind of like how you would look back at your souvenir roller coaster picture. You can see that you were in denial and scared to death, but guess what? You’re still alive and got another experience under your belt."

By Lauren "Duckie" Armstrong

Duckie- Keep on running the greatest race of all time and love Him with all of your heart... it's a witness to everyone who meets you, and especially me, who's honored that I was chosen to be your big brother and close friend when God laid out our lives. I love you!

Our Hearts Be Shattered

2009-07-22T00:59:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago I went to a Saturday service for middle schoolers through college kids called Youth Alive. The worship there is great: people skilled in music and worshiping with it themselves. It creates such a great atmosphere for just talking to God through the songs and however else you get led to. I hadn't been in this kind of worship service since I left Williamsburg for the summer, so when I showed up at Youth Alive it was a pleasant surprise to get to worship with them in an awesome way. When the worship is done that way, God never fails to speak something to my heart- sometimes bigger or smaller things, but there's something. This time was no different... and given that it was in the middle of a very tough time for me, God decided to deal with something huge that night.

I started talking to God a few songs into the worship set. Especially after the frustrations of that day, I felt gross and disgusted with myself. I felt dysfunctional, hurt, broken, unworthy, failed... I felt like a clay pot that had been thrown to the ground, and the pieces had scattered far and wide and all that was left in the immediate area was a few incomplete shards that would never be a whole jar again. I felt beat-up and torn. There was pain from my parents and frustration with myself for wasting my summer time fooling around and messing up when I could have been pursuing God.

Something my friend Ian said the other day came to me, and God filled my heart with the thought and truth of it; Ian said he would subconsciously slip into the mindset of doing things and fighting fights under his own power, without meaning to. He said, as a piece of advice, that it is something to watch out for in my walk.

In my pain and brokenness that night, God showed me just how much I'd been trying to do on my own. I had started to attribute (without realizing it) the great season of growth and joy I'd had in the spring to things I had been doing- like daily devotions, praying often, and spending time with the people at the church I was attending. Reflecting on it, this is a habit that's been part of me for a long time. In high school I was an overachiever, "hard working" and earning good grades. Even when my relationship with God was renewed last October and it became intensely personal and wonderful, I still applied my work ethic to it: work hard and earn good spiritual grades. For the first few months, I was blinded to what I was doing because of all the spiritual blessings that were pouring out- that's when I started this blog about all the good things God had his hand in. God was just waiting until the right time to fix my mindset.

That right time was this summer of my vulnerability.

My situation brings to mind a verse in Job I read recently, 35:6-8...
"If you sin, how does that affect him [God]? If your sins are many, what does that do to him? If you are righteous, what do you give to him, or what does he receive from your hand? Your wickedness affects only a man like yourself, and your righteousness only the sons of men."

One cannot earn things from God... they're given. Which is a blessing, if you think about it: sure, there are some times when we feel pious, but we're all sinful and we know it! If we earned things from God it would just make our failures more despairing, and we could never conquer sin on our own anyways, as we are sinful by nature.

So when the metaphorical storm hit at the beginning of summer, it wore down my efforts to be worthy. I was frustrated with myself for wasting time and angry at myself when I didn't get to my devotions everyday. My sights had slipped from Jesus: the Door, the Way, and the End. So when I felt very shaken and broken by the situation, God took the vulnerability created by that and the failings of my flesh to let me know that I can only survive in His strength, and to watch out for when I start to use my own. He "let me know" in the deepest sense of the words. It was such a moving experience that the lesson is stuck in my heart, and I won't forget it.

There's definitely still pain; that's normal. It doesn't go away because there's a purpose for it. God has brought a beautiful jewel of wisdom out of this time of hurt, and resting in His sovereignty instead of working under my human power brings a peace on an even deeper level than the pain. I have confidence that God is going to rebuild and fix me in His strength (in His time, too). I'm just going to let him do that by not getting in the way with things I try to do myself. I'm being healed and remade from the ground up by the perfect sculptor and master architect...

From this perspective, what a huge blessing brokenness is! What a privilege to be rebuilt by Jesus... who's passionately in love with me and knows me so well. The pain is being redeemed, and compared to the end result the price is little.

In this new found place, I feel less of a need for everything else that's not God- I don't need other people, but I'm fairly certain God will continue to use my brothers and sisters in Christ to love on me (have I mentioned that I have some of the best friends ever? I'm so blessed that God has brought them into my life). The point is that I don't feed off of their attention or love at all, but what God provides through them. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and love to hang out with them and talk with them... but when I start relying on them as people, instead of God's love in them, I get led astray and I am not focused solely on God. I don't need to look elsewhere for love and strength as God's providing everything I need. I've got my priorities more straightened out now; not to say I'm doing growing, though. I can't even say I'm done growing in the area I just learned a huge lesson in... there's always room for growth and improvement. That's the point!

A Purpose for the Pain

2009-07-16T00:28:00.000-04:00

I heard a great quote on a radio broadcast. The man talking was a former professional football player who has very bad cancer. He said that every time he's in pain, every time he has to pull over to the side of the road to puke, that pain makes him just a little bit more like Jesus. Ideally, that's what Christians want to accomplish, isn't it? The sad part is how little most Christians and non-Christians know about Jesus's actual character and attitude towards people. But I digress, and now I will write a note to myself to blog about that later.

As soon as I heard that guy saying that he sees his pain as a blessing to make him more like Jesus, my first thought was "What about emotional pain, when life is just tough?" The answer is that emotional pain builds us towards Jesus's likeness just as much- he suffered in all those ways, after all. The most obvious is the extreme physical suffering he went through before and during the crucifixion. As emotions go, he cried over the death of a close friend (Lazarus), and was so emotionally overwhelmed in the Garden of Gethsemane that he was sad "to the point of death." Also, since there's no mention of Joseph being around during Jesus's ministry (while his mother is around), it seems that something happened to him sometime before Jesus began preaching. That's definitely grounds for emotional suffering right there.

When I thought about this and went back to the verses where all these painful situations are found, it really gave me a whole new way to think about what I'm going through (more on that later). Each blow to a breaking heart creates an even bigger place for God's love to fill in, increases our ability to empathize with others and makes us more like our Savior. Each and every kind of pain has at least that as its purpose; and God uses those things for his plan in ways we might never know about until we get out of here.

Recently, I also got to see a clip of a bedridden man talking. He has been completely immobilized and dependent on other people since birth, and when the video was recorded he was 47 years old. He talked about his personal journey after he met Christ, how he came to terms with God being all-powerful while not healing him of his very serious disease. With complete sincerity and a warm honesty he said that he was honored to be chosen to serve God in the area of suffering: he gets to minister to so many people because of his situation and is gets to glorify God through his pain.

When you put it in that perspective... it's really powerful stuff. We're all uniquely called by God to serve in different places and in different ways, and each and every one of our experiences (positive and negative) shape us to better serve Him. Every tragedy and every blessing is used by Him for His plan; we can't change it, no matter how much we screw up or fall. He'll use everything. This doesn't mean we should turn apathetic and just sit back and go our own way, of course... but it lets us know that when things do go wrong, when they fall apart, whether it's our fault or our parent's or a disease's or a drunk driver's, God will redeem it all and use it for good. Even the most painful, evil things that seem to only destroy.

I don't say these things without meaning them... I'm living out this side of life to an extent. A slower, more painful season in life. Not physical pain, but emotional pain coming from the tearing of relationships of others... sadly, it is an issue which a lot of people have to deal with nowadays. If this situation which is upon my family now, though, would have interrupted God's plan, if it had been something which didn't have the potential to glorify God in awesome and huge ways, He wouldn't have allowed it to happen. Even if I don't see the fulfillment of that in my lifetime, I've got faith God's going to use it for the best. That doesn't make it any easier, of course; things have been tough for me (I cried while watching Minority Report... and in retrospect, I laugh at how silly that sounds). God's been providing in huge ways, though. I connected with my sister and talked to her about God, something I hadn't done before; that was a huge blessing. My church family here at home is amazing; if I'm with them, I AM home... as in, the place I am the most comfortable and safe.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past two months is that when "God is my strength when I am weak," I am still going to feel weak. God doesn't just take away the pain and weakness because we ask Him to... there's a purpose for that pain. And that's the thought that keeps me going.

Worship: Sweet, Sweet Perspective

2009-05-21T00:38:00.002-04:00

The subject of worshiping God is one I've been thinking and learning about a lot; worship in the broad sense, not just singing in church. To me, worship means a state of acknowledging God's love and power by stepping into some perspective. God is love, redeems us, has a perfect plan for us, has heaven waiting for us, and with that perspective life seems a bit more bearable. Theoretically, if you focused only on that all the time you would be worshipful and happy all the time. Note the word "theoretically."

Granted, it's impossible to maintain a perfect state of bliss all day no matter what (honestly, that's pretty impractical) while ideally we will have God's love as a reference point for every situation. If someone called me to tell me my brother just died, I would cry, not sit there without dropping my smile because it's merely another part of Earthly life I don't have to worry about. Far from it. About living this worshipful way, Paul says in Romans 12: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Taking your life and injecting God into it is a form of worship, indeed one very central to a Christian walk: spending time with Him, serving the Church and all that good stuff. I love the qualifying phrase "in view of God's mercy." That's the perspective thing, right there: recognizing how great God's mercy is and acting accordingly.

In the form of being hyper-aware of God's love, I find worship in a couple places. Sometimes when I'm alone, wherever, my mind goes to that place. A lot of the time it's triggered by something, usually nature being beautiful. I definitely believe slowing down to admire nature's beauty is a form of worship. The really awesome instances are when it's triggered by another person; sometimes just thinking about how close they are with God or how I see Him moving in their life will do it. My favorite one is when I see someone's face that has that "worshiping-God-completely-soaked-in-His-love" smile; it's an amazing thing to see, and it gets me every time. I don't see it very often, as I'm not usually looking around during worship at church. Whenever I do get to see that face, though, it's like a beam of love shoots straight from their heart to mine and I turn a very conspicuous shade of happy.

In worship at a church service, you'll often see just a few people raise their hands. I hardly ever did all through middle and high school, and the few times I tried it I just barely got them even with my stomach. The big thing I've learned about worship (I'm sure other people learn other things... this is what my experience was, which I feel can be useful to a lot of Christians today who feel at least partially 'lukewarm') is that you have to make a sacrifice out of your 'dignity,' or perhaps better put 'social awareness,' eliminating all the others around you from your immediate thoughts and turn it into a "just you and God" occasion. Practical things that can take you there are all the little actions that are sung about so often: raising your hands, singing a meaningful phrase over and over to yourself, going to your knees, or even whatever degree of dancing you feel led to. I sway and bop back and forth on my feet a lot. In services where it's practiced, I go down where there's room to do so and dance back and forth (feet achieving lift-off) for the more upbeat songs. I raise my hands a lot; they go up and down and to my heart as I feel like moving them.

My pastor in Williamsburg talks about raising one's hands as a form of surrender to God, which I really like. He referenced the Old West where, to surrender, you would raise your hands away from your guns on your hips. In front of God when you raise your hands you're saying "Alright God, I trust you. You've got control of this situation and I'm making you the priority." The priority is no longer "not looking silly" (which is usually subconscious) or "getting through this singing thing." The priority is praising God for his awesome, awesome mercy. When we take those little steps towards Paul's notion of a new way of living-making our "bodies as living sacrifices," not conforming to the "pattern of this world," things that last longer than just a worship service-we really start to step into that worshipful, "on fire" life that glows from the heart, outward with purpose and love. The kind of stuff people start to notice, because whether they know it or not, what they're searching for is God.

A quick note: This is my third "topical" entry, the other two being the first two of the blog. The others are based off of experiences I've had, although most go into some kind of topical discussion; just as the topical posts will reference experiences. I've labeled each post according to the content and whether it is a topical entry or an experience-based entry, and put up a handy list of all these on the right side of the blog. That way people can jump to content that's more relevant to them... brilliant!

A Couple Steps on the Journey

2009-05-03T00:59:00.001-04:00

In the past few weeks, I have seen God actively fulfilling two really big things in my heart that have been taught/placed there recently. Namely, the sudden and complete removing of my fear of witnessing at the church retreat and my giving up of romantic desires to Him.

The removing of my fear of witnessing, my fear of alienation from my friends, was definitely some kind of psychological miracle. Normally to conquer a fear you need to have a journey of experiences and lessons to conquer it... I would have had to spend time to disassociate "talking about God to my friends" with "rejection". In worship on that Saturday, though, God just took the fear out of me, as simple as that.

When opportunities to talk about God appear, I still have to make a choice: to talk about Him or not to talk about Him; that won't change. What has changed is my response to that choice. There has been this new courage inside of me that drives me to always talk about Him. God and His Love come up in conversation a lot now because He pervades my whole life. I have been having pretty regular talks with some people about God now, people I would have been too nervous to witness to earlier; mainly people close to me. I've been opening many new doors in conversation with people and have had some pretty meaningful talks; I haven't led anyone all the way to Christ yet (in person) but many "seeds" have been planted. Those closest to me were the ones I feared the most, because they could do the most damage. Now I want to spread the love of God to them more than I want to stay curled in a safe inactive little ball.

The "giving up of romantic desire" has been realized now as "falling in love with God." I didn't stop wanting and desiring romance, but I redirected it at God. There was a Friday night when I was in my prayer spot that I frequent. I was in prayer, praising God, lifting up people, when I realized that I wanted to be in love with God. I wanted to focus my romantic desires on Him. It's a different dynamic, of course, as God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and has the natures of both genders, but I have fallen in love with Him nonetheless. I had loved him with all the other levels of love and that night I reached a new level: the slow dancing, my-heart-is-yours, candlelit dinner level.

I'll admit it seems kind of strange to talk about loving God like that, and it does if you thought that romantic love could only ever be focused on another human being. I'm not saying that I'll never fall in love with a woman now; in fact, I've taken a big step closer to being ready to do so. I'm in romantic love with someone who will never let me down. There will be tough times, and times I will feel lonely, but I know that He is always there and guiding me through obstacles that I can learn from.

But the proof is in the pudding. The Saturday night following that Friday, I attended a formal dance with some friends. I didn't have a date, but it didn't bother me (even before Friday night's beautiful moment). At the dance I was ridiculously happy and having a great time, and I realized why. I had no envy for the other couples. I was one-hundred-percent happy, satisfied, and fulfilled to be there without a date. I didn't want to be in love with anyone there, it didn't bother me at all that I was not having a romantic evening with a human being. All the couples and beautiful women around me just made me more aware of how deeply in love with God I was. I had a constant feeling of deep joy and happiness just flowed out of me. When I'm in that good of a mood, I dance like crazy... there were many eyewitnesses to my ridiculous dancing antics. Dancing to the music turned into a form of worship because I was so happy and so filled with the Spirit. I love dancing. People saw that Spirit-filled-love dance, but I don't think many of them traced the source of my awesome joy and sweet moves.

But I am far from the end of the road (and what a wonderful road it is!). There are always new lessons to be learned, more progress to be made, and God doesn't waste time. Some times we learn by waiting, and sometimes God throws us into the next lesson before we have time to think. Either way, it's wonderful and I love it.

I hope one of three things will happen to you after reading this: If you think I'm crazy and have an overactive imagination coupled with a unstable mind (it's either that or I'm right), you might dismiss me as such so you don't have to think about it. Or you will let the question dwell with you as you ask questions about the implications of a relationship with a God who is Love, who wants to love you and forgive you. If you are a Christian, or have even briefly considered the possibility, I hope you will be encouraged by in God's work in me. If you dedicate time to Him (spending time in the Word and in prayer, optimally every day) and focus on building a relationship with Him, He will do things in your life and in your heart you never dreamed possible. Fulfillment, purpose, passion, joy... God has put these things in me. I'm not perfect, I'm messing up, I'm learning, and I have no doubt that there Christians reading this who have more knowledge than I do. Whoever you are, I pray you'll listen to what God wants to say to you.

Even More Free

2009-04-19T01:15:00.000-04:00

I had been planning for several months now to go to Russia in the fall for a semester at the Moscow Art Theater. It's a very famous and prestigious theater, the school associated with it is top-notch, and the program isn't widely applied for (approximately 40 students for 30 spots). The program is taught in English, so you don't need to know Russian... but it helps. It focuses on ensemble work, there is a lot of homework, and you get to go see tons of Russian performance art: opera, dance, theater. It's a unique and very educational theater experience.

Theater experiences are valuable to me: it's what I love to do, it's how I channel my love for life and human interaction in the academic realm. Add this to the fact that everyone has told me I should go abroad because it's an invaluable experience, and presto! My plans are in motion. There are obstacles, though, like money, credits transferring, and being away from William and Mary for a semester. If going to Russia is the right thing, though, God will open all the doors and give me a peace about my decision. Doors that need to be opened: money. God provides, so I'm not worried. Even if I have to take out student loans, and pay them back like a normal person, I'll live. So that's sealed. Another door: getting into the program. I've got a strong theatrical resumé, and my interview went well. Whether or not I get in could be a sign; I don't find out for a few weeks though, and I would still have the option of not going if I got accepted. So that, at the moment, is a non-issue.

The last door: a peace about going on the trip. I will pray about it a lot, taking it to God during worship, and think about it logistics-wise too. If it's the right thing to do, I'll get a peace about it.

That peaceful feeling should be here any time now. Just wait for it.

"Hey God? Me again. I'm still feeling restless about going. Waiting for that peace about the whole situation. I still feel this nagging desire to stay in Williamsburg... it must just be me being uncomfortable with change again. I never liked moving. Let me know!"

During this time I was reading Anne Lamott's book Traveling Mercies. I came to this passage about making big decisions:

"Many years ago, I was walking beside the salt marsh with a minister I had met recently. I was two months pregnant and had scheduled an abortion because I was alone and so broke. But I was having second thoughts. I decided to let the minister in on this, and after listening quietly, he said he thought I should have the abortion; he pointed out that there was no safety net underneath me at the time- no family money, no expected windfall- that there was nothing between me and the streets or welfare.

But what about God? I asked. What about faith?

Well, yes, the priest conceded, there's that. "But I'd like you to try something," he said. "Get quiet for a moment, and then think about having the abortion: if you feel a deep and secret sense of relief, pay attention to that. But if you feel deeply grieved at the thought of it, listen to that."I did what he said, thought about the abortion, which theoretically and politically I support. But I was stabbed with grief, and the grief did not pass, and I canceled the abortion."

I applied this to my confusion about whether to go to Russia or not. I looked inside myself. There was a want to go to Russia, to learn about theater, to have that unique abroad experience. But then I found a want even deeper than that, the true source of my desire to stay in Williamsburg. I wanted to stay in Williamsburg to keep growing with the community of believers I had found a few months ago at my new church, the Christian Life Center. There I had found lots of very real, loving, dedicated Christians. The deepest desire of my heart was to continue to grow with them, not to go to Russia.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't be separated from God in Russia. I would be able to find time with Him every day. I would learn things. But I wouldn't have a community of support there. I have been growing spiritually so much recently, and I very much believe that it's God's will (and mine) that I continue to do so here in Williamsburg, among that community, in the fall. There is a time for change, for new places and new things, and I have been there many times before. After lots and lots of prayerful consideration I have decided that now is not one of those times. On the day I made this decision final, the chorus of Bon Jovi's "Who Says You Can't Go Home," which includes said title phrase, was stuck in my head. While contemplating whether to go to Russia or not by staring intently into my mirror, the words changed and came out of my mouth: Who says you can't stay home? Thank you, God, for speaking through Bon Jovi.

The more I talk to people about this the more certain I am it is the right thing to do... there is a peace inside me that increases with each retelling, the kind of fulfilling peace that only comes from God. I don't feel restricted by this decision at all; in fact, I feel even more free.

Letting Her Go

2009-04-04T01:03:00.001-04:00

Monday afternoon I ran into my friend Michelle at lunch. She was on the church retreat mentioned in my last post, and she wanted to hear about my experiences that weekend. Conversation eventually veered to the topic of relationships; both of us had learned lessons in the past from wandering from God's will in that area, and now she is in a relationship with my friend Sam. Both of them are serious Jesus Freaks with huge hearts for God. She began to talk about how God is using their relationship in awesome ways, moving through it in the Spirit, affirming them and growing them.

I, being a very emotionally-based person, have always been in love with the idea of being in love. A few months ago I saw how I let that control me in some ways. While wanting to be in love with an awesome Godly woman is not a bad thing, it can distract from God's plan if I keep focusing on it. I even had a running "short list" of girls I knew who were serious about their faith and whom I connected with personality-wise. Basically, I was trying to do God's planning for Him.

As I heard my friend Michelle talk about how great God was being in her and Sam's relationship and how they were glorifying Him in it, God spoke to my heart. He said, "See, Zach, when you let me take over this part of your life I can do some awesome things. Give this up to me, Zach... let your will and heart conform to mine." As I heard the testimony of my two friends' relationship, God laid a peace upon my heart. I started to give those wants up to Him.

It wasn't an instant inner transformation, like at the retreat; I'm taking steps towards giving it completely up in my heart, that I might want God's plan over my plan. Sure, God's plan may include a woman, but I'm going to want it because it's God's plan, in His timing. Not my timing. That way I will be perfectly content in God's plan even when there is no woman present. I started off by reporting the "aching-romance" thoughts to my internal thought police: they were to be captured on sight and tossed out (a metaphor for taking thoughts captive for God). Wednesday, I gave it up to God again in the mid-week worship service on campus. My good friend Lucas prayed over me as I gave it up again, really affirming and encouraging me.

Not Just Full... Overflowing

2009-04-03T23:55:00.002-04:00

I spent last weekend at a wonderful retreat facility near the Eastern Shore of Virginia called Camp Piankatank. It was the weekend of the College and Young Professionals Retreat for my church... what it adds up to is me letting go of school and obligations for a full 48 hours, spending lots of quality time with people I love, and spending some quality time with God. The term "quality time," however, is a grossly inadequate descriptor of what my time with God ended up being like this past weekend. "Liberating," "freeing," or "life-altering" would be a bit better... so let's try that sentence again:

What it adds up to is God reaching into my heart, removing the brakes and supergluing the gas pedal to the floor.

Let me take you through the weekend and all that happened to me there... I hope that God uses these awesome experiences to encourage you, edify you, and speak to you.

As I started to worship at the Friday night service, I felt a block between me and God; there was something keeping me from really getting to His presence. At this point in my spiritual life, I know that when I feel that block there is something to be learned in the breaking of it... now I just needed to listen for how to break it. I was standing in the middle of the seating area, worshiping there. There was space down in the front between the chairs and the worship team for people to go down and praise with some more room. God said in my heart, "Zach, I want you to go down and worship in the front." My natural response was "But people will think I've got a 'holier than thou' attitude, that I'm showing off, trying to be seen, and they'll judge me!" God: "Which are you going to make more important? Me, or people's imaginary opinions of you?" I had a choice. It's not that there was anything inherently better in worshiping in the front; it's just that I had to do that to let go of my worries about what people would think of me (which, on me especially, can be fairly binding). And what do you know, as soon as I made my way up to the front and began worshiping there, it was like two big double doors in my heart just swung open and God just poured Himself into me.

The Saturday afternoon sessions were wonderful for learning things and growing in knowledge about God; about sacrifice, being a Son, believing in promises, et cetera. I'm sure I'll use some of that teaching in future bloggage. But onto the big events on Saturday night.

Saturday night, worship started. I find that most of the big things God will do in you will happen during worship... that's another long post entirely. As I was worshiping I felt this really heavy, burdening awareness of my fear of witnessing. The possibility of rejection, especially around the theatre crowd, would keep me back. It was like a big dark cloud covering me... I was still worshiping in God's presence, but I felt so heavy. During the worship, all of a sudden, God moved powerfully in my heart and and said "You are not scared anymore!" I was shocked for a minute, and wasn't quite sure if that had just really happen. "Wait, God, don't I have to conquer this step by step, getting a bunch of little victories until I reach the goal?" "No! I'm breaking your fear out of you right now, all at once. It's completely gone. You are not scared anymore!" I knew it was true; I had felt the huge dark cloud completely disappear from my heart. I celebrated for several minutes with God, smiling vividly and crying happy tears.

Just that one event would have been enough to make my weekend completely worth it. Just that one experience would have sent me soaring... but there was so much more to come. A few minutes after he broke the fear out of my heart, God said to me: "Zach, that was the last big earthly bond that was keeping you from running to me as fast as you can. That was your last big crutch. There will always be struggles, choices, and lessons, but you have lost all of your large inhibitions now! You will be running to me so much faster! You will be in my Spirit even more actively than before!" This was the most encouraging thing that's ever been said to me... it figures that it would come from God. I was ready to explode with joy and love at that point.

In the minutes before this, Pastor Mike Giroux (who was the speaker for the weekend) had been prophesying over some people. While the whole topic of prophecy is for another post, I will quickly explain that the prophets described in the New Testament went around edifying and encouraging people and revealing things to them that God wants them to know, like paths for the future, spiritual gifts, and big changes of heart, all through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Ever since I had first been exposed to this at my church (a few months ago) and witnessed that it is a very legitimate thing in God, I had always thought it would be wonderful to be prophesied over.

Back to Saturday night... Pastor Mike had been prophesying over some people that he had planned to speak over, and then he moved about the crowd, prophesying over whomever the Spirit led him to. As I was standing there and got the huge word of encouragement from God, I started to think to God, "You know, God, I don't need to be prophecied over. You've already given me so much tonight! You broke my fear, and then vastly encouraged me! I don't even want to be prophecied over, I've been filled up so much. I guess you'll wait, and have someone prophesy over me sometime down the road... won't that be a great time!" Within ten seconds of that thought passing from my mind to God, I felt two hands on me, one on my shoulder and one over my heart. I opened my eyes to see who it was: it was Pastor Mike... and he began to prophesy over my life. I was amazed at God right then, and haven't really ceased to be. As soon as I gave it completely up to Him, He gave it right back, and more powerfully than I could have imagined. Here is what Pastor Mike's word about me:

"God is driving a pillar down your spine, into your spirit, He is making you strong and steadfast... you will be a corrector and a purifier... I see you succeeding in business for God, and you will be able to withstand enormous pressures, and you will keep a great joy and peace through all of it, and that will be a huge witness to other people."

As soon as God was finished blessing me through Pastor Mike, God said: "Zach, did I say that I'm just going to fill your cup up until it is full, and then stop? NO! I said I'm going to fill it to overflowing, and that's exactly what I'm doing for you tonight!" I felt such a huge rush of praise then, and very much felt like I was overflowing a lot; God had done so much for me! That led me to my fourth and final big God-event that night... I entered the highest level of worship that I've ever been in. This was characterized by not being able to do anything but dance for God, in his presence, praising him; I didn't feel like I was doing it right if my feet were still. I had to move, because God is so great! The wonderful thing is that now that God has taken me to that place, I move into it every time I worship. Not every song moves me specifically to dancing; maybe kneeling, lots of hand raising; but the intensity of God's presence is there like never before.

I have seen so many of these things fulfilled and walked out already. Within hours of coming back from the retreat, I was already witnessing about God bravely in places I previously would have run away from. Concerning the word about business, I don't feel called to change my major or anything; but in his way and his timing God will involve me in business to accomplish His purposes. I'm in a constant state of worship, where I am constantly receiving joy and love like a waterfall from this open door in heaven. There are definitely still big and little choices to make between the world and God, struggles to give some things up to him, and practices in patience with some people and situations, and I will never be perfect; but I can continue to worship God and let him shine through me, now more uninhibited than ever before. My cup is overflowing and spilling onto all those around me... it's the most amazing way to live that I have yet found.

The Train Man

2009-03-21T01:23:00.001-04:00

If I hadn't gotten on that specific train car at the beginning of Spring Break, then the Train Lady wouldn't have asked if she could have my C.S. Lewis book and I would have read that instead. I wouldn't have gone to my favorite used books store, B.J.'s Used Books, and sought out some spiritually-minded books; two of which ended up being Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies and John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. I ended up reading Wild at Heart because I had never read it in its entirety before and it's very well reputed. And it's about dudes. I'm a dude, so it works out.

So I read the book, thinking about cool God things and cool Man of God things. Thinking about adventures, bravery, fights, pursuing an awesome and beautiful woman, among other things. I though about and meditated on all the lessons, but it was during the train ride back that God spoke directly from the page to me, through my mind and into my heart and soul. It was a story about the author's friend Aaron, who was listening for God one day in solitude and heard him say:

"True masculinity is spiritual. True spirituality is good.
You are a man, you are a man, you are a man."

BAM! The Holy Spirit collided with my heart big time with that one. I had "known" this, sure, but had never actually truly lived it. Even earlier this semester I was still working out to "stay fit," while underneath it all I knew it was because I hadn't completely conquered my old insecurity about being scrawny. I was still trying to obtain whatever level of buffness that would make me completely comfortable with my body, win me the glances of pretty girls and the approval of sporty guys. I finally realized that it was pointless to do so. I am a man because of my spirituality; nothing worldly can qualify me. Sitting there in that seat, I was overcome with that vast joy that comes when the Spirit is working inside you. My eyes were a bit foggy and I was smiling goofily... I was thankful that the girl next to me in the train was asleep, or she would have been weirded out, I'm sure. Who would have thought that the train rides to and from Spring Break would be so packed with God being awesome?

I have always had the dream of being the hero that saves people from danger. I pictured myself being in the right place at the right time in a disaster and being awesome and manly and risking my life for people, and then that really pretty girl coming up to me afterward... you get the picture. When God spoke into my heart about my spirituality being my source of manliness, he directed my mind to how I pray for people now. Ever since I read in the end of the book of Colossians about the guy whom "wrestles in prayer for you," I've really gotten into praying "violently." Not physically thrashing about or anything, but really connecting with God and just letting loose for those I'm praying for; praying actively and from the heart. God brought it to my mind that when I pray actively, "violently," I'm doing major harm to the Devil and his cronies that are going after those I'm praying for. There are lots of demons limping back to Hell after a painful encounter with my weapons of prayer, blessed by the Father.

The reality and presence of the spiritual realm is something else John Eldredge talked about, and is something I believe is real; and the Prince of Darkness who I'm fighting won't forget the damage I do. On this past Tuesday evening, I was nearing the end of my devotions in the Bible and was going to move on to praying soon. But then my phone rang; it was the stage manager for the show I'm in, asking if I was on my way to rehearsal. The schedule I had read said I didn't have rehearsal for another two hours. It turns out there was an updated schedule in my email that I hadn't seen; there was someone who definitely didn't want me getting to my prayers that night, someone who didn't want their work rudely interrupted. So I came back after rehearsal and prayed for three more people than I usually do. You punch me hard, I'll punch you harder.

My last spiritual manliness experience this week happened on Monday morning. I had read in Wild at Heart about giving up the thing we would be the most scared to lose, whatever that is. It varies from person to person, obviously; when I read that, I wondered exactly what mine was. God showed me the next morning. I received this email from the director of the show I'm in, concerning the fact that I was planning on missing a weekend of rehearsal for a church retreat:

"...This creates great difficulties for our rehearsal schedule, particularly for scheduled run of the second half of the show for designers... is it possible for you to miss this or reschedule it? We have only 96 rehearsal hours for this show that has at least 140 minutes of playing time so we are way under the hour per minute that one should have..." et cetera.

I freaked out a little on the inside. I wanted to go on the church retreat, and knew in my heart that's where God wanted me to be, too. I have always been the reliable, on-time, off-book, trustworthy guy in my theater career, and my director made it clear how important it was that I be there. I really didn't want to miss a disappointing number of rehearsal hours and let down the rest of the cast, particularly this professor I admire. I knew in my heart that God wanted me at the retreat that weekend... but my professor any my academic instincts wanted me at rehearsal.

So I began to look for a legitimate reason that necessitated I go on the retreat, like the cost of about $100 being non-refundable. If it was non-refundable, than I could just tell that to my director and I'd be in the clear! As I wrote an email to the guy who answer my question about the refundability, I kept having to rephrase it, and I realized why: any way I said it, it sounded like I was using the money as a crutch, a substitute reason to miss rehearsal; I was avoiding the responsibility in saying that I wanted to go because it was important to me. I took a deep breath and decided to throw that crutch away, and present my argument for going as it should be: it is important to me, I've had this planned for two months. Being afraid of the repercussions of missing rehearsal I tried to push it off on money. But I couldn't hide behind excuses made of jello (which I'm pretty sure don't stop bullets, and they look silly to boot). Writing an email has never taken so much gut before. God's favor was there are there weren't any repercussions for missing those rehearsals; it seemed more like my director didn't even mind after it was decided, perhaps because I had stood my ground. Standing my ground involves lots of leaning on God; I don't have any backbone without him behind me. I don't have any fears with him behind me, either.

The Train Lady

2009-03-12T01:10:00.001-04:00

This is the first time this kind of thing has happened to me... it's another sign of how God has been moving in awesome ways over the past six months of my life.

I boarded the train in the Williamsburg depot to head back to my hometown for Spring Break. As I think about it even now, I could have easily boarded another car without a second thought; a car that did not have on it the lady with message for me. But God made sure I got onto the right car.

I took my luggage to the front of the train, as I needed a place to store my guitar and bag for the ride. Sticking out of my jacket pocket was a copy of C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves, just enough so that the title at the top of the cover could be read. I was planning on reading it on the trip to Fredericksburg. As I turned to set down my guitar, my overly-large backpack was in someone's face. She kindly said "excuse me" and I finally got myself turned around after setting down the guitar to apoligize with "Sorry, I'm a bit wide today." I gave a small, slightly embaressed sorry-my-backpack-was-in-your-face smile to the middle-aged woman. Then she took the conversation in a whole new direction.

"I've always wanted to read that book," she said, indicating The Four Loves in my pocket. "Oh, this one?" I said, taking it out. I could smell the start of a good conversation. Then she asked me, "Can I have it?"

I have, for a long time, wondered what it would be like for a stranger to ask me for something, out of the blue and for free. I wanted to be able to give it freely, without holding back, just blessing the person. And then, I got that chance.

I was elated as I realized a daydream of mine was being fulfilled. A grin stretched itself across my face as I said "Sure! Here you go" and handed it too her. "Thanks, honey. You never know who you're giving something to," was her reply... as if that didn't give me enough to think about, she asked me "Do you play guitar?" She had seen me carry it up. I replied, "Yeah," not knowing what she was going to tell me next. "I wanna encourage you to keep doin' your work in the Lord. And write that song." As soon as she said it, God made it clear in my heart: I knew exactly what song she was talking about. Angel or just a lady who has a great connection with God, she encouraged me in so many ways with our 30-second conversation.

Giving that book away was a great experience. When my best friend Andrew and I got back to our seats on the train, he looked at me slightly bewildered and said "She took your book!" I said "No, she asked for it and I gave it to her." It was liberating and fulfilling to have that opportunity. And the fact that God put on my heart a very specific song; it was one that I had been getting lines for in my head, one every few days; they would just pop into my head and I would rush over to my laptop to write it down. Very much a Godsong, one he's crafting specifically in my heart. It also encouraged me to practice guitar on a more regular basis... I have had a conviction to focus on praise/worship/God-themed songs in my playing instead of just casual, for-fun contemporary songs, and God really sealed that in my heart on the train that day.

There was a high density of God being really awesome in the couple of days before I got on the train... God brought healing to a situation with a friend, and in such way that very obviously glorified HIM as the mover; I thank him for that one a lot. Right after that I got a word of encouragement from a friend at a church I used to go to, who's been growing in his own walk with God. A wonderful set of three really encouraging happenings.

It seems God is beginning to favor working in threes in my life... at the end of winter break, at my last Sunday at my home church (which is the safest, most comfortable place in the world to me) three different pairs of people prayed for me- completely independent of one another. The first two groups asked if it was my last Sunday before I left, and then offered to pray for me. I was saying goodbye to the third pair, unexpectedly started to break down (in a good way... coming to terms with some things God had opened my eyes to and leaving a safe haven) and then they lifted me up. He's been making it really obvious that he's got my back. It's a great feeling.

The first verse to my Godsong, as yet without a title:

I'm holding back this avalanche with frostbitten hands
And I'm testing my courage just to see where it stands
You say that my time has come and I let go
And I ride the river born of the snow

The Reason for Our Blindness

2009-02-27T21:24:00.009-05:00

While singing during worship at church several Sundays ago, my voice cracked. I chuckled to myself and thought, "Well, my voice definitely isn't perfect, but it's the voice you gave me God, so I'm happy with it." I have had some slight insecurities about my singing voice, not having as much training as those I sometimes find myself singing with. Right after I thought that to God, He said right back: "Zach, your voice is perfect for my purposes. If you were any worse or better at singing, if your voice was any prettier or harsher, it wouldn't be optimal for my plan for you. The voice and skill I have given you is perfect for my perfect for my purposes; worldly perfection is arbitrary. You needn't be insecure."

I feel like anyone can take home this point... that whatever your weaknesses, disabilities or personal tragedy, you don't have to be insecure because it was designed that way for a specific purpose: to glorify God. Your flaws and difficulties are there so God can use you- either to heal/dissipate them, to grow you to strength in them, to get you certain opportunities, or so you can grow towards Him. Whatever the purpose, it isn't pointless. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't try your hardest... it's not an excuse to hold back all that you can be.

Here's the first few verses of one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, John 9:

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.""

The man is then healed by Jesus, and goes onto to witness before the Pharisees about what had happened.

I think it's an awesomely beautiful thing, to take anything in your life and know that "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in YOUR life."

Breaking Free of Orbit

2009-02-20T22:32:00.023-05:00

Every once in a while, when you really need it, God reveals something to your heart. Something that brings you a peace about whatever is bothering you. He provides you with a comfort and a confidence that He's watching out for you and has an awesome, perfect plan for you. In the past three weeks there have been two big ones that God put on me that I'd like to share, because they are definitely awesome witnesses to His provision. This is the first; the second will go up soon in a different post.

The first one harks back to what I wrote about a while ago: how God uses the broken people and their brokenness to glorify Himself in ways we could never imagine. The Spring of last year I had a learning experience (involving a relationship with a girl) that God used to cure my emotional naivety. I believe it was necessary to tame my very large and volatile heart, in a romantic way; to let me learn how to handle my emotions in that context. Then, in the Fall of last year, I had a time of wandering away from God that involved a relationship with girl. That one was different than the first, in that it was completely me making the wrong choice. I finally listened to God and got out of that... He used that experience to motivate me to a new standard of Christianity, to be in the Word every day for a significant portion of time, and to spend lots of time praying too. It was awesome to see God turn that around. I felt like Haley's Comet: I was traveling really fast in the wrong direction, but then the power of God, like the sun's gravity, slung me around to shoot back even faster in the other direction. He took something Satan was doing and made it backfire severely. I praise Him for that so much!

I had one hitch in my heart left from those two past relationships. I had learned that I was to wait again, for the right woman to come along, and then God would bring us together in His way and we would get married. I did that for the last three years of high school, and I finally got it into my head that I was going to be on God's time again. Not the timing of my heart; twice I listened to it and it only, messed up and hurt people and wished I hadn't done them wrong. I'm not condemning listen to your heart as it relates to romantic situations... I just had to learn to wait for the green light from God, when I could fully unleash all the love that's under such high pressure waiting in my heart. God's given me a peace about it, which is good, and wonderful, and helps me to wait for His time.

The hitch was this: that my past experiences might taint me and make me less worthy in the sight of that woman who is going to be perfect for me. I am still a virgin, but it was the emotional side of things that worried me, along with just the fact that I had wandered and had two girlfriends before. I felt flawed, imperfect and unworthy. We all are, I am, but God turns all of that around. I was talking to God and told Him that I thought my past experiences would get in the way, but then He told me (in thoughts and feelings): "Didn't you learn things from those experiences? You learned how to handle your heart, and then you learned how to pace a relationship. With those two lessons, you are now fully equipped for next time. You will use this knowledge to guide your next, ultimate, beautiful romantic relationship with your future wife, and it will be better than it could have been if you did not have those lessons with you. It's more perfect now. I have used Satan's plans against him again." That brought me a complete peace about the situation. I no longer felt unworthy. I felt prepared by and loved by God. Now, I'm just waiting and waiting... contentedly and unhurriedly.

Cash and Disposition

2009-01-31T15:49:00.001-05:00

I've always felt pretty comfortable with my stewardship of money, in the Biblical sense. I tithe 10% of what comes in and I give beyond that when I feel led to. My trust in God (as it relates to my bank account) had only been tested with my experiences with money so far. Once the "textbook buying" and "study abroad planning" part of my life came about (this past week), God decided to throw me a curve ball and say "Hey! Trust me on this!"

Over the past week I have been thinking about abroad plans and money and the large amount of money I spent on textbooks this semester. With these I considered quite a few other things that would cost money in my collegiate future. The stress started to build a little. Then when I tried to return $200 worth of textbooks that I didn't need or could get cheaper, I was told that I was a day too late to do so. It was an emotional left hook that God purposely let me take, for a good reason.

I proceeded with a passive-aggressive bike ride back to my dorm (thank God I'm not a more active grump, or I would've put tire tracks over more than a few dawdling tourists). I got to my desk, sat down and tried to start releasing the grating frustration and mild panic inside my head. I started to pray. I talked to God (for my sake, as always) about how money is a material thing that we don't need to worry about... God will provide. $200 can't bring me closer to You, I said.

Unless you lose it and learn to trust Me, God replied.

At this point I smiled and laughed. Not laughed because of the apparent humor in the situation. Laughed because my heart had just been filled with Love to the point of emotionally bursting; and when that happens, I laugh and smile hugely. My pure joy in knowing I'm infinitely cared for and loved shows that way.

The second lesson I learned this week has to do with trusting God too, though in a much different way. In more of a "everyone is going to think I'm crazy and I can't see yet what He's going to use this for" way. Every February there is a dance called the Waltz Ball, sponsored by the Sinfonicron Light Opera Company and its parent organizations. I went last year and had the most fun I've ever had at a dance, which made me double-check myself when I felt God telling me not to go this year. I got a strong gut feeling that I've gotten only a few times before... it was a very clear message. I prayed several times over the course of a day or two and came to the conclusion that God was telling me just what I had suspected: don't go to Waltz Ball. God was saying "Trust me on this one."

That part is simple, by itself. In the context of college life, though, it's going to look funny to people. If someone doesn't believe in my God, then it will look like I'm crazy. The clincher is that I had recently made plans to attend with a lady-friend of mine, to whom I had to explain what happened. I'm sure God planned it like that; it took a lot more trusting in God to have to go to a specific person and explain. If I hadn't had a date yet it would have been simple. Not knowing what God is using it for and knowing what it looks like to non-believers, I called my friend and told her what had happened... I thank God that people at W&M are generally very open-minded.

That's what I've learned this week... how to trust God completely with my material things, and how to trust Him completely with my worldly disposition. Both are arbitrary in the end, so why not use them for God's glory while I'm here on Earth?

I think my post title sounds like a bad Jane Austen imitation.

Lost Sheep and Found Love

2009-01-24T01:06:00.002-05:00

When something Jesus said in the Bible directly parallels something in your life it becomes that much more potent. It starts to live and breathe in your heart. You can read and study the scriptures and learn lots of great things and take those truths to heart; but when you've returned from a time of grief, of spiritual dryness or even acting out your own little version of the Prodigal Son, the things Jesus said are all of a sudden said to you personally. His words are connected directly to your own experience, because Jesus went through grief and temptation like us and God knows our hearts and histories inside and out. It's similar to hearing someone talk about having been to China, in that if you had been to China yourself the speaker's words mean much more to you than if you hadn't been to China. After times of wandering away from Him (the metaphorical "trip to China") God will use you and your wandering to glorify Him in ways you wouldn't think of; taking your negativity and rejection and building something else, some positive, out of it.

There are many things in both the old and new testaments that show how much God uses broken people: in the old testament Abram said he wasn't married to his wife to avoid trouble, Moses killed a man and ran away from the consequences, David slept with a man's wife then had the husband killed, and Sampson fell famously for Delilah who did him in, among others. My one hitch in using those biblical figures is that they were all "famous Men of God" before their respective trip-ups, which is not a major point but can keep some people from taking that example to heart. After all, sin is sin is sin, no matter how legendary you are in your faith. In fact, that point may even make these people better examples, because of how far of a fall it was for them. In the end, they all made their peace with God and went back to him.

And that brings us to Paul; formerly known as Saul, the man in charge of persecuting Christians. His job was to persecute followers of Christ; he had even been part of the stoning and killing of Stephen, one of Jesus's apostles. You cannot get much more direct in opposing God. Saul had power, and used it; but this man was completely turned around by God and became one of the most famous authors of the Bible (Paul) and traveled across much of the known world spreading the word and love of God. He's a huge example that God can use the most severely broken for great purposes... if we let him.

Letting God do things in your life can be difficult to do and to understand, especially for those who don't believe the Biblical God exists. I once heard a metaphor for Salvation and Humanity that has stuck with me for a while: A man is sitting at home in his chair. He has a fatal disease that will kill him, and he knows this. A cure for this disease is discovered, and a friend of the man's comes to him and says "There is a cure for your disease! Come and get it!" The man says "no" and continues to sit in his chair.

There are many different reasons why we say no to the cure. Perhaps we don't believe the cure actually exists, or perhaps we will not admit we have the disease. Maybe we are scared of what it would mean in our lives if we actually accepted the cure... it sure would change much of what we are, and what it means to be human. At that point, to be honest with ourselves, we must ask "Am I truly happy and contented, where I am now? Do I really need this cure? At this point in my life, do I have an unshakable feeling of security and fulfillment inside?" I can personally say that I have that, only because of God. God has placed it there, and I want to do my best to have that be seen by others. He is building it out of my past and future failings and successes because He wants to use all of me. That's how much of me He loves. That's how much of you He loves.

Love and Love: the Two Most Important Things

2008-12-29T00:40:00.002-05:00

I have begun this blog because God put in on my heart to put out there things of a spiritual nature that He puts through my head from time to time. This first one He put on my heart about two months ago. Jesus said in Matthew:

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Jesus is not just talking about Christians going through the narrow gate versus non-Christians through the wide gate; those who pass through the wide gate are both Christians and non-Christians. The Christians who pass through the wide gate have asked for and received eternal life, but have not stayed true to God. They have wandered into worldly things and indulged or they have hidden themselves from the world with walls of legalism, intolerance, and judgment and called it "Christianity." The first kind of Christian may affiliate themselves with the Church and with God, but give no real effort or thought to loving God and being loved by him. The second group may claim that they love God, but see themselves as more righteous and holy than the rest of His creations who have not found Him (this, of course, is an incorrect assumption). They shut themselves away (to stay away from outside influence) and never shine the light of Jesus's love amongst the world.

The few who pass through the narrow gate are those who are living examples of the two greatest commandments: love God, love one another. Loving God means devoting time to him every day, reading His Word and praying and talking to Him. At first glance, this can seem like a routine and a chore. But think about this: God is all-powerful, and He loves us infinitely. He is huge and scary and created us, and He loves us to no end and wants us to let Him guide our lives. Even if you don't believe in God, think about it: wouldn't you want someone who's all powerful, all knowing and in complete and total love with you guiding your life? Wouldn't someone like that give you the best of all possible lives, if you would only open yourself to His love and His plan?

Loving one another is the second commandment and it naturally follows the first. Every one of us was hand-made by God to be exactly who we are; every one of us has done something as an act of rebellion against God. We are all on the same footing. If you're the smartest person on Earth and make a million bucks for each thought you have, you are no better than someone who never even learned to speak because God design both of you that way for a reason. That is what gives us worth: the fact that God made each one of us individually and with purpose. Those who have chosen to love God still do not see themselves as better than those who have not chosen to love God, because that would be counter-productive to what God wants. God loves all of us, every last saint and scumbag. Those who love God want others to love God to.

How would one go about doing that? Well, there's a guy who hung out around this part of the universe for about thirty-three years to example that for us (I'm talking about Jesus, by the way). Jesus came and hung out with the sinners. He didn't adopt their lifestyles, but witnessed to them with his own lifestyle and with his words and actions. He loved them with perfect, unconditional love. That is what one must do to "love one another." If you try to love others unconditionally with your own human love, it won't go over very well (you're not perfect; neither am I, and thus our heart are incapable of perfect love). If you get to know Him, God is going to fill your heart to overflowing with His love. You'll feel the unshakable force inside you and find that, if you rely on it, you can befriend anyone. They might not like you right away (or ever), but they will see that unstoppable love in you and start to wonder.

I thought it would be appropriate to start this blog off with these truths that God put on my heart recently. I will say now that I'm a very flawed human being. I have various things in my past that I'm not proud of, and I have no doubt that I will fall short of my goals for myself in the future . The things I write here are God's words; I cannot claim them. That would be spiritual plagiarism. I just open myself to His love and his Word because there is nothing else for me to do. His love leads to fulfillment, purpose, and security. All other paths lead to pain and loneliness. We all wander down that path at multiple times in our life, and maybe you have been there for your entire life.

But God is awesome. He loves infinitely and will never stop. It's the most simple and most complicated thing, to just let Him love you and to love Him back. He wants to forgive your sins. He wants to be the deepest love you will ever know. He wants YOU. As tattered, worn, broken, dirty, and as dysfunctional as you are. As I am. We have to rely on Him lest our hearts be shattered to pieces by this imperfect world.